Kristi stands next to historic statues and large framed paintings on the walls behind her.

Now and Then: The Shift in Military Spouse Culture

Having teenagers is a great way to make sure we’re reminded daily that we are old. I often tell my kids what life was like before the internet, that phones used to be used for (collective gasp) phone calls … on landlines, and that before GPS, we used to have to print our directions. If we got lost, we had to manually roll down our window to ask for help.

All the advancements we’ve seen in our lifetime are truly wild when you think about it, even though we don’t always notice it. Military spouse life has also evolved to keep pace with the world outside the gates. When “change” arises in a conversation about the military, people are usually talking about PCSing, policy updates, new technology, or whether it’s time to roll sleeves up or down (maybe that’s just a Marine Corps thing — add that to the list of things I should know by now). Our spouse community itself has changed quite a bit too. What I picture when I hear “military spouse” and the way we support each other and ourselves — it all looks much different than it did when I got here in 2008.

Kristi and her husband pose in a tree-lined park.

Who’s in Charge Here?

Here’s a scary story for all you youngsters: I once showed up to spouse social events without knowing a single other person. My little introverted heart started racing just typing that. When our spouses checked into their new unit after a PCS, they would add us to a spouse distro list when they met the FRO (Family Readiness Officer, a full-time civilian, who largely replaced the volunteer system of Key Volunteers). Each unit had an FRO, and he or she would send out regular emails and invites to spouse and unit functions, and we just went — usually with some predetermined potluck dish in tow.

This transition from a volunteer network to an FRO was cool because it took a lot of responsibility off the shoulders of spouses, which freed up time to pursue a career, an education or volunteer elsewhere. Now that the FRO program has sunset, we lean on DRCs and URCs (Deployment Readiness Coordinators and Uniformed Readiness Coordinators) for communication and family readiness. Not every unit gets a DRC, and the URC is not necessarily the first person a spouse in need of support is going to turn to. I’ve personally noticed a shift away from FROs; in fact, I wrote my master’s thesis on the topic. Once again, much of the initiative to create a community is in the hands of spouses, but many spouses now work, are focused on raising a family or are furthering their education. We’re all busy in our own way and not necessarily dependent on or interested in connection through our spouse’s job. If we are, we don’t have to wait for a weekly email; we have social media now.

Social Skills

Social media, particularly social groups, has made it possible to meet people at a duty station before even arriving. With our last few moves, I was able to browse social groups for answers to questions like, What’s the best school district? What is base housing like? Should I pack [fill in the blank]?

I see spouses in our area now reaching out locally to set up playdates for their kids, book clubs, coffee meetups and running groups. They go on social media to ask questions about policies and benefits, and yes, sometimes to vent (this should always be done respectfully and safely). Connection is easier than ever, and spouses can create a community without facing the anxiety of showing up alone to an event of total strangers. Social media also keeps us in touch long after parting ways.

Speaking of staying in touch, how could I write a blog about nearly two decades of evolving military spouse life without talking about deployment communications? Anyone else remember those spotting video calls? Thank goodness communication has advanced.

Kristi cuts sheet cake using ceremonial sword.

Real Talk

Over the last several years, I’ve had a falling out with the word “resilient” because it’s been used for so long to describe military spouses and kids who continually persevere through challenges without complaint or help. I’m proud of our generation of military spouses because we’ve honestly redefined resilience; we took the silence out of it. We talk honestly about being burnt out, homesickness, infertility, mental health and gaps in support. We ask for help when we need it, we speak out for better policies, and we have just normalized talking about both the ups and the downs of this very unique and often stressful lifestyle.

Transitioning Culture

If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I love talking about my grandma and how different her experience as a military spouse was decades ago. I have so much respect for the generations of spouses that came before us. They truly did more with less, and I count myself very lucky to have access to so much support, fellow spouses who welcome a real conversation, and the freedom to decline a unit event without worrying my husband’s career will take a hit.

It might not be an easy task to evolve while staying rooted in transition, but hey, we do a lot of things that aren’t easy. This military spouse life will keep growing to fit the needs of the community, and I’ll be looking back, cheering on the next generation who will, like my teenagers, probably make me feel old when I recall FROs and meeting “IRL” (in real life) at a unit spouse meeting where I showed up alone as the new girl.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of retirement resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Care package box

The Unexpected Journey of Military Spouses

Can I just say if this life has taught me anything, it should have taught me to always expect the unexpected. So, when this deployment got extended (as they almost always do), I should not have been surprised. While this extension was a shock, my reaction to it was not.

I responded like I’m sure many other spouses do. But as the days turned into weeks, I came to the usual realization: We could be sad, but life had to go on. The kids and I decided to send one care package each week for the next two months, just to make sure he felt how much we missed him. For the first time since our middle son was born, we added links to our deployment countdown chain.

Deployment countdown chain

Dare I say, it was fun to see their little faces light up as we hung the links and tore one off each day. Mind you, we still complain about how much we miss Daddy and how we can’t wait for him to come home. But now, we have turned it into a game. We send videos and voice notes to Daddy sharing our day, and we always end with, “Hurry home, Daddy. You have been at work way too long.”

Originally, this deployment was not supposed to be long enough for me to settle into a routine. Six months were supposed to fly by. I was just going to “cry and bear it,” because let’s be honest, there’s no grinning when it comes to deployment. But an 8- to 9-month deployment? That makes you take a hard look at everything.

We were fortunate enough that my husband said, “Whatever you need to make life easier on you, do it.” Remember how I mentioned I was always behind on laundry, dishes and household chores? Well, not anymore.

For Mother’s Day, I was treated to some much-needed help — services to “catch me up.” The biggest unexpected — but maybe I should have expected it — takeaway from this deployment has been realizing our ability, as parents, to make our children feel Daddy’s presence — even from thousands of miles away. He’s always found a way to celebrate the big and small moments with us. He spoils us, even from afar. That’s one unexpected “expectation” I will gladly take any day.

Our sailor is away, keeping us all safe — yet still finds the time to make sure we are more than OK. He’s also helped this seasoned spouse remember this is not her first rodeo. While we may not have a clear end date, deployments do end. As expected, that moment will be one of great celebration. For now, we are impatiently waiting.

So, if you find yourself facing the unexpected “expectations” of this life, know this: We all eventually come out on the other side.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of deployment resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Sydney’s children holding hands

It’s the Faces, Not the Places

Have you ever heard two people talking about one duty station in entirely different ways? One person says it was her least favorite assignment, while the other says it was her absolute favorite. Maybe you, yourself, have talked highly about a duty station with another spouse who thought poorly of it, or the other way around. You enjoyed the climate, and she did not, or you thought there was a lot to do there, and she was bored. In a lot of instances, I really believe it comes down to the community a person finds that makes or breaks the experience. It’s the people who we meet and spend our time with who make the most memorable impressions on the places we go.

Sometimes as military spouses, it can feel like we live many different lives as we pack up and move to new places, starting over again, and when I reflect on what it is that we leave behind each time, I realize it’s the faces, not the places

When I think back on our time at Fort Hood, I don’t remember the blue lakes, bluebonnets, barbecue and Austin adventures the same way I do the girl who lived three houses down — who stood beside me with endless support while my first child was born, who celebrated more “firsts” with me that first year than my own husband. She was the girl who became my best friend, who dropped off surprise donuts on my birthday, and would drop everything and go to the outlet mall with me on a random Tuesday morning. I don’t remember the big thunderstorms or Texas flags or the fire ants like I do the girl who smiled at me across the Sunday school room, inviting us to lunch, or the older lady who took me under her wing and filled me with so much wisdom about marriage and raising babies, and quickly became my “Texas mom.”

When I think back to our time at Fort Bragg, I don’t remember the charming little town of Southern Pines or our favorite crepe shop and playground, or the little farms and fruit stands the same way I do the girl who invited us over for lunch often and fed my family and took care of my children as if they were her own. I can’t feel the humid summer breeze the same way I can remember the feeling I got from the kindness in her eyes and the magic she brought from the simplest things. I can’t remember the sound of the buzzing mosquitoes or the foaming ocean waves the way I can hear her whispers of motherhood wisdom and her giddy laugh as she showed me constantly how to love life and find joy in the little things.

When I think back on our time at Joint Base Lewis-McChord, I don’t see picturesque views in my mind of Mount Rainier or the blue waters of Crescent Lake. What I do see is the set of sympathetic blue eyes of an older woman as I confided in her during the hardest time I’ve ever experienced in my marriage. I don’t remember our hikes or adventures the way I do her invitations for a walk or coffee. When I look back on our time there, I don’t hear the orca’s snorting or bumblebees buzzing by on summer afternoons. I hear her voice checking in on me, speaking the truth into my soul. I don’t remember the color of the elementary school building or the pretty flowers along the path to walk there, but I do remember my son’s kindergarten teacher and her vibrant energy and how much love she gave my child. I don’t remember the lakes or the splash pads or low tide exploration days the same way I do the friends’ faces who joined me in all of those places.

As we look back on the places we have been, it is often the faces we remember most. For it is the people who influence and shape our lives and friendships and who truly make a place feel like home.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of moving and housing resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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