Kristi smiling

Leaving a Lifestyle, Not a Job

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

On a drive to a spouse event, with a back seat full of babysitters (my tween daughter and a couple of her friends), I overheard them playing an exhilarating round of “What’s in my bag?” She was up. She casually said something about “my ID,” and while one friend (fellow military kiddo) didn’t skip a beat, the other friend said something along the lines of, “You have an ID?”

And it hit me. With my husband’s retirement just a few pages away on the calendar, he isn’t just leaving a job. He’s leaving a lifestyle — one all four members of our family have grown accustomed to over the last 20, 18, 14 and 12 years respectively. These little things that make the lifestyle, like a 12-year-old with an ID card who didn’t even put up a fight when she was told she was spending a perfectly good Saturday morning chasing preschool military kids around a playground so their parents could get to know each other and build that community we all know and love.

Kristi’s child holding her father’s hand

For Better or Worse

As we continue to barrel toward retirement, I’ve been in my feelings lately about the bittersweetness of it all. While I won’t be sorry to leave a few things in the rearview (insert your favorite complaint here), I haven’t fully accepted that when we talk about Marine Corps life next year, it will all be past tense.

My husband is all too thrilled that he no longer has to provide the address of our vacation rental when we take a family trip. He’s anticipating — as he says — having “just one job” after the Marine Corps, because in the Marine Corps, pilots fly (I’m told much more goes into it than that) and have a ground job. I assume other career tracks have their own version of one person doing the job of many.

I can hear in his voice the reluctance to leave behind a Corps that shaped the life we have — to include my own career and where our kids will graduate high school. Even if he won’t admit it, he’ll miss the mission, the camaraderie (one of these days I am going to spell that correctly on the first pass), the traditions, the friends, the future, the culture and — dare I say — the pace of it all.

We’ve been in our not-forever-but-longer-than-usual house for about two years, and I’ve already painted five rooms, so it’s safe to say that I will miss moving, redecorating a house every three years, and getting to know a new place. That said, our kids have quickly put down roots and found their people where we are, so to be able to stay put for their sake as they navigate middle school and high school (that one is still very raw for me, and I don’t like it) is a blessing.

On the flip side, while I will burn myself out helping other people, and I love my Marine Corps community more than any other demographic, I’m looking forward to turning the focus from potlucks and mandatory fun events to our family. Our teen and tween may act like they are too cool for us and don’t want more family time, but we all know the truth.

Kristi’s child swinging upside down

Paying Attention

I am grateful for that little ID card awakening I had. Without it, I don’t know that the little lifestyle changes would’ve sunk in until all I could do was miss them. I’m going to do the best I can to savor the little military-isms we have left and show my husband and kids some grace as we all make this transition to civilian life together.

Kristi’s children running

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of separating and retiring resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Sydney’s children running in a tulip field

A Season for Saying “No”

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

It’s easy to arrive at a new duty station and feel so overwhelmed by your suddenly empty calendar full of free time. Suddenly, you’re without friends, connections or community — the pillars of your life that once filled your calendar with color.

If you’re like me, it’s only a matter of months before you find yourself frustrated that there aren’t enough colors to code everything taking over your calendar. You’re now juggling three weekly commitments at church, multiple “mom clubs” on post, and several volunteer and chaperone events at your son’s school. On top of that, you are meeting new people every day and trying to say yes to every playdate, every birthday party, every conversation, every church invitation, every club, every sport you hear about. You’re not sure who — or what — will be the right fit for you and your children, so you say yes to it all. Now, your season of “yes” has started to take over your life in some areas you never intended.

Over time, you might find yourself stepping back and looking at the packed calendar you’ve created, wondering, “How did I get so busy so quickly?” or “When will we have another slow morning with nowhere to be?” Maybe even, “Am I prioritizing my personal life over raising my children?”

Everybody is different — but I know that for me, I am quick to feel mom guilt when my daily schedule seems more centered around me than connecting with my kids. I do my best to maintain a healthy balance between structured and open-ended time, because as moms, we all know that some of the sweetest moments come unexpectedly — in the quiet, unplanned parts of the day.

Lately, I have found myself in a “no” season as I prioritize what I want to stay on our calendar and what I want to go. To slow down the pace of our little life, I am now saying “no” to those things that need to go and substituting those things with staying home to be present. I want to savor these slow mornings while my children are still little… doing silly things like counting raindrops on the windowpanes, turning on a princess movie on a Monday just because we can, reading aloud story after story with babies on each side of me munching on blueberries.

What exactly does a “no” season look like? For me, it was looking at all our commitments and picking my favorites. I stopped attending some of the things at church; rather, I chose only my favorite groups and Bible studies I’d become a part of. My husband and I also decided to pull our four-year-old daughter out of preschool and homeschool her the last year before kindergarten. The double school drop-offs were taking a toll on me, and our mornings had become more chaotic and stressful than they needed to be.

My “no” season also looked like really looking at my friends that I’d made and deciding which relationships I wanted to invest in — because as a mom of three young children, I just don’t have time to pour into everyone I cross paths with. I looked into removing myself from the volunteer list at my son’s school. I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old at home, and this just wasn’t feasible in our current stage of life.

Everyone is different. Everyone manages their time in ways that suit their personal and familial needs. Everyone has their own threshold when it comes to how many commitments they have and how filled their calendars get. I just know that when I start feeling like my life is driven by calendar over connection, I know it’s time for some things to change.

I’ve come to realize that being in a “no” season means I can start saying “yes” to my kids more.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of moving resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Kristi, her kids, and her dog sitting on a dock by the water

The Stress Behind “Hurry up and Wait”

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

It’s that involuntary feeling that hits when we’re on the brink of something big — orders, deployments, homecomings, retirements — the moments that shake every military family. We call it the stress behind “Hurry up and wait.” We see it coming, roll our eyes and know there’s nothing we can do. Civilians call it “anticipatory stress,” but we’ve got our own terms.

Whatever you call it, it’s a weird limbo where nothing has changed yet, but everything is about to. All you can do is plan for the unknown, ride the emotional rollercoaster, and — if you’re like me — rely on coffee and salty humor. This in-between phase doesn’t get much attention, but it is rough. I just think back to that PCS during the pandemic when time stood still. Our stuff was packed (along with my patience and sanity) except for two trashed couches and some 1980s hotel-style loaner furniture. Every day looked the same: wake up, stress, realize there’s nothing I can do, sit on the porch for hours waiting for news, go to sleep, repeat.

Kristi’s daughter relaxing with cucumbers on her eyes

What (Little) You Can Control

What do PCSes and snowflakes have in common? No two are alike. Why is tension high pre-deployment? Everything after that goodbye is completely out of our control and subject to change. Why is there so much focus on retiring from the military? Civilian life is a different ball game. Structure and culture are different, family finances will be impacted, our built-in community carries on without us, and — however minor — there will be some sort of identity shift, not just for the service member but the entire family. No wonder we’re feeling distracted, impatient, anxious and even irritable while we wait.

While I would love to tell you that spinning in circles while singing the Marines’ Hymn backwards would quell the anticipatory anxiety that creeps in ahead of major military life events, there’s no real cure (although I haven’t tried this remedy, so if it works, let me know). So, because we want so desperately during this time to do something to distract ourselves from the wait and get things rolling, there are a few ways we can take care of ourselves when anxiety takes hold.

  1. Say it. Write it. If you had to explain what is at the root of your anticipatory anxiety, what would you say? Sometimes you might not even realize what it is until you talk through it. So say it out loud — to your spouse, a friend, a therapist or even yourself — or write down your thoughts (even if all you do is throw it away — because the PCS purge is real). Even though identifying what is causing you stress won’t fix it, it gets it off your chest and may offer some clarity.
  2. Fight to stay present. Yes, it’s cliché, yes, but for good reason: It matters. I often catch myself so focused on what is coming next that I lose track of the present. Maybe you’ve been there too, snapping back to reality to the house in chaos, the kids wild and yourself overwhelmed. The advice to “focus on what we can control” isn’t just reserved for the major life changes; it applies to everyday tasks like keeping the house running, getting the kids to school and remembering to feed the dog. There is enough happening around us right now; we don’t need to borrow stress from the future.
  3. Know the difference between progress and control. Are we browsing real estate listings at midnight because we need to pick a house right now or because we want to feel in control? As someone who likes a good plan and a to-do list, I’ve learned that planning doesn’t always equal control. Sometimes, the best preparation is simply being ready, so when the moment comes, we won’t be too exhausted to act.
  4. Be real. Military spouses are superheroes — no one can convince me otherwise — but even superheroes face tough seasons. What we often forget is that we’re human. We get anxious, distracted and overwhelmed. Change is hard, even when we make it look incredibly effortless.

If you’re waiting for a big change, you aren’t alone. I’m right here with you. This phase won’t last forever, and one day, we’ll hardly remember the stress it brought (hopefully).

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of deployment resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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