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Is It Just a Difficult Season or Something More?

Written By Lizann Lightfoot

I have been through many PCS moves before, but this one felt different. After we packed up our house, drove across country, moved into the new home and unpacked all the boxes, I wasn’t just tired; I was drained.

Usually, it takes a few weeks to get settled after a PCS move. Your routines are interrupted, the kids have changed schools, you probably had a major disruption to your work schedule or are looking for a job, and on top of all that you have to find new doctors, new child care and new stores. It’s a lot to handle! Any military family who has gone through a major move will tell you it takes weeks or even months before they feel settled and comfortable again.

The trouble was… this time I didn’t get settled. For a long time after the move, I felt worn out and disinterested in new activities. I drank more alcohol than my usual 1 beverage per weekend. I started gaining weight and didn’t have the energy to work out. I felt out of patience and short-tempered with the kids. The “post-move blues” lasted so long I didn’t feel like myself after a while.

In the past, when I have faced challenges during military life, I often heard the advice that “It’s only for a season.” It’s true that many military life difficulties — as intense as they are — might only last for a short time. PCS moves are exhausting, but they come to an end. Living overseas is intimidating, but it’s only a portion of the service member’s assignments. Deployments are difficult, but they aren’t forever. Sometimes, reminding military spouses that these stressful situations are temporary can help someone summon their inner strength and keep going.

However, we must also recognize that, at times, pushing yourself may not be practical advice. For someone who has experienced trauma, a major life change, or the onset of depression, it isn’t always healthy to recommend that they “just wait and see.” Without outside help or support, that spouse may sink deeper, and their mental health will become worse. There are legitimate situations that are much worse than a season when someone should seek help from doctors, counselors or other professionals.

So how can you tell the difference between a stressful season and a mental health crisis? Often, it’s a fine line. What is only mildly disruptive for one person might be seriously dangerous for the next. If you have doubts or concerns, it’s always best to use caution and seek professional help for yourself or others.

Military life is full of ups and downs. Here’s how to tell the difference between a challenge that is “just a difficult season” and a more serious situation.

A Difficult Season:

A military spouse going through a challenge like deployment or a PCS move doesn’t expect it to be easy. They may be able to treat it as “just a difficult season” if they:

  • Have a strong local support network (family, friends, neighbors, etc.)
  • Find meaningful employment
  • Have flexible income to hire help like child care, yard work, cleaning services, etc.
  • Have good communication with their service member
  • Get involved with local activities or social groups that feel satisfying
  • Set personal goals and have hobbies to motivate them
  • Maintain physical strength by eating consciously and healthily
  • Are up to date on physical and mental health exams, taking prescribed medications

Something More:

Someone going through a stressful time in military life should talk to a counselor or a doctor if they notice these symptoms:

  • Difficulty sleeping over multiple weeks
  • Change in appetite, weight gain or loss
  • Lack of interest in activities that were formerly engaging
  • Feelings of extreme sadness or lethargy
  • Any thoughts of self-harm or suicide
  • Inability to keep up with hygiene, showering, doing laundry, etc.
  • Increased use of alcohol or drugs

What happened after my difficult PCS move, when I noticed these symptoms and kept feeling some of them for months? Well, I realized that my usual PCS coping strategies weren’t enough. I was experiencing something more. After talking to doctors and counselors, I learned how much my adrenal gland had been literally drained from the constant stress of our last move. It took time to focus on my health and get my body back in balance. Over time, after listening to professional advice, I finally recovered from my PCS slump and felt like myself again.

Sunset on the beach

Choosing My Mental Health

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

Early in my marriage to my Marine, I was given advice to always “keep a stiff upper lip” no matter what challenges we faced. In hindsight, I realize that was unsustainable advice from a generation that, despite being called the Greatest Generation, often overlooked the importance of mental health and the morale of military families. This was also a time when a military spouse’s behavior could directly affect whether their service member was promoted.

I took that advice to heart and spent many years living by it. I often found myself relating to the infamous meme of a cartoon dog sitting calmly sipping coffee in a burning room, telling himself, “This is fine.”

Outwardly, everything was fine because I made sure it was. I’ve come to realize that job is too big for one person (even if that person is a hard-headed woman with a stiff upper lip). Eventually, burnout replaces enthusiasm. Anxiety overshadows excitement. Resentment masks gratitude. Complaints dominate conversation. Cynicism overpowers optimism, and patience expires.

What we experience as military spouses may seem “normal” — the long separations, solo parenting, the unpredictable nature of the PCS cycle and the brain power it requires, the inherent danger that comes with our spouse’s job. The list goes on. Our lives and the stress we face are anything but normal. For years, I tried to respond as if they were, and no wonder I felt depleted. No wonder my anxiety was at an all-time high and my energy was at a record low.

With my epiphany in hand, I wondered where to go from there. Venting to my fellow military spouse friends sounded like a good start, but the truth is, we’re all tired and busy. After a certain point, it feels like you’re moving rocks from one pile to another without getting anywhere. So, I turned to my husband. He listened to my feelings for a while, but I soon noticed his stress rising as mine lowered. That didn’t feel fair. I tried self-care, yoga, journaling, but the fatigue, stress, and anxiety lingered.

Eventually, I accepted that what I needed was therapy. Once that realization hit, a whole new set of excuses popped up: I don’t have time; I don’t know how to get started; it probably won’t even help; I don’t really need it — I’m just being dramatic; I’m not sure TRICARE even covers it. What if people find out?

Walkway to beach

Not to spoil the ending, but I did have time. Getting started was easier than I thought — there are plenty of options, even if you don’t know where to begin. It did help — still does — and yes, I did need it. TRICARE does cover it. As for the fear of people finding out? Well, only because I’ve shared it, people have found out. It’s only led to more honest conversations, increased authenticity, and a shift toward destigmatization in my circle.

It doesn’t help to fake a normal reaction in this very abnormal life we lead as military spouses. Military life is stressful; certain parts of it can trigger emotions we didn’t realize we carried. The abnormal reactions are actually normal. Reach out for help when you need it. If that’s today, take the important first step. You can get guidance from Military OneSource or TRICARE or talk to your primary care doctor for a referral to a mental health professional.

Wife with head on husband’s shoulder while smiling

The Gift Every Military Spouse Needs: Encouragement!

Written By Lizann Lightfoot

It’s the season of giving, when everyone’s seeking the most memorable gifts to share with family and friends. In the military spouse community, we could all probably use more money, more time with family and more quality moments with our service members. But there’s one gift I wish I could offer to every military spouse or significant other: the gift of encouragement.

The Lack of Encouragement in Military Life

Why does encouragement stand out as the top gift for every military spouse this season? After two decades of military life, numerous command and unit functions, plenty of mandatory fun events and a variety of spouse club drama, I’ve noticed that sincere encouragement is sorely lacking for military families.

It’s no secret military life is challenging and stressful. However, instead of receiving sympathy or empathy to help us navigate this lifestyle, military spouses are often told to grin and bear it or be resilient. This type of toxic positivity does little to improve an individual’s attitude. Instead, it makes it more difficult to share or discuss real problems.

When a military spouse does feel comfortable enough to share painful personal experiences, stories shared in a group setting often turn into a game of “who had it worse?” where every other spouse in attendance takes a turn trying to outdo the previous speaker.

It’s true that military spouses can face similar issues related to deployments or PCS moves. When someone shares a painful experience, their problems shouldn’t be laughed at or belittled. When it comes to military spouse life, experiences certainly vary. For some, these life-changing events can cause invisible trauma or emotional pain that takes months to overcome.

Two hands with wedding rings

How To Give the Gift of Encouragement

To my fellow military spouses, I say: We can do better than this. There’s a gift we all need to give more generously. Instead of trying to trump each other’s stories or shut down another spouse’s difficulties with toxic positivity, let’s focus on giving each other some much-needed gifts.

It costs nothing to offer a listening ear or a supportive hug. Sometimes, a few kind words will be treasured for years to come. What if we all focused on giving the gift of encouragement throughout the coming year?

I want to give military spouses the gift of being heard, valued and appreciated.

Every military spouse I’ve met has been strong or inspirational in some way. The sacrifices we make look different from our service member’s sacrifices, of course. Even if they seem small, they’re very real and should be acknowledged.

Our journeys are difficult, and small victories should be celebrated. Through the big hurdles and the small inconveniences of this life, military spouses should be encouraged and motivated.

Giving the gift of encouragement doesn’t take a lot of training, but it does require a conscious effort. Here are the steps I recommend to be more encouraging:

  1. Listen: To encourage someone, you must first take the time to listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t change the subject to your own stories, and don’t brush aside their experience. I’ve learned that many military spouses crave a kind listener when they’re struggling.
  2. Provide empathy: After listening, many people want to jump right to offering advice, but don’t skip this crucial step. Military spouses want their experiences to be acknowledged and validated. Whether their challenge is big or small, it’s a very real part of their life. Give them permission to feel this way. Let them know their response is OK — and it’s probably quite common among others in a similar situation!
  3. Offer a step forward: Finally, after you’ve had the patience to listen and the generosity to be empathetic, you can now offer advice or additional resources. After you’ve sat with someone in their dark cave of loneliness, they’re more likely to listen when you point out the sunlight up ahead. You don’t have to solve someone’s problems in one sitting, but you can help them envision their next step or point them towards a solution. You can offer to hold their hand or walk with them as they move forward.

To share encouragement, we must listen, share empathy and help people take small steps toward meaningful change. Is there a military spouse who needs the gift of encouragement this season? Will you be the one to offer them that much-needed gift?

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