Now and Then: The Shift in Military Spouse Culture
Having teenagers is a great way to make sure we’re reminded daily that we are old. I often tell my kids what life was like before the internet, that phones used to be used for (collective gasp) phone calls … on landlines, and that before GPS, we used to have to print our directions. If we got lost, we had to manually roll down our window to ask for help.
All the advancements we’ve seen in our lifetime are truly wild when you think about it, even though we don’t always notice it. Military spouse life has also evolved to keep pace with the world outside the gates. When “change” arises in a conversation about the military, people are usually talking about PCSing, policy updates, new technology, or whether it’s time to roll sleeves up or down (maybe that’s just a Marine Corps thing — add that to the list of things I should know by now). Our spouse community itself has changed quite a bit too. What I picture when I hear “military spouse” and the way we support each other and ourselves — it all looks much different than it did when I got here in 2008.
Who’s in Charge Here?
Here’s a scary story for all you youngsters: I once showed up to spouse social events without knowing a single other person. My little introverted heart started racing just typing that. When our spouses checked into their new unit after a PCS, they would add us to a spouse distro list when they met the FRO (Family Readiness Officer, a full-time civilian, who largely replaced the volunteer system of Key Volunteers). Each unit had an FRO, and he or she would send out regular emails and invites to spouse and unit functions, and we just went — usually with some predetermined potluck dish in tow.
This transition from a volunteer network to an FRO was cool because it took a lot of responsibility off the shoulders of spouses, which freed up time to pursue a career, an education or volunteer elsewhere. Now that the FRO program has sunset, we lean on DRCs and URCs (Deployment Readiness Coordinators and Uniformed Readiness Coordinators) for communication and family readiness. Not every unit gets a DRC, and the URC is not necessarily the first person a spouse in need of support is going to turn to. I’ve personally noticed a shift away from FROs; in fact, I wrote my master’s thesis on the topic. Once again, much of the initiative to create a community is in the hands of spouses, but many spouses now work, are focused on raising a family or are furthering their education. We’re all busy in our own way and not necessarily dependent on or interested in connection through our spouse’s job. If we are, we don’t have to wait for a weekly email; we have social media now.
Social Skills
Social media, particularly social groups, has made it possible to meet people at a duty station before even arriving. With our last few moves, I was able to browse social groups for answers to questions like, What’s the best school district? What is base housing like? Should I pack [fill in the blank]?
I see spouses in our area now reaching out locally to set up playdates for their kids, book clubs, coffee meetups and running groups. They go on social media to ask questions about policies and benefits, and yes, sometimes to vent (this should always be done respectfully and safely). Connection is easier than ever, and spouses can create a community without facing the anxiety of showing up alone to an event of total strangers. Social media also keeps us in touch long after parting ways.
Speaking of staying in touch, how could I write a blog about nearly two decades of evolving military spouse life without talking about deployment communications? Anyone else remember those spotting video calls? Thank goodness communication has advanced.
Real Talk
Over the last several years, I’ve had a falling out with the word “resilient” because it’s been used for so long to describe military spouses and kids who continually persevere through challenges without complaint or help. I’m proud of our generation of military spouses because we’ve honestly redefined resilience; we took the silence out of it. We talk honestly about being burnt out, homesickness, infertility, mental health and gaps in support. We ask for help when we need it, we speak out for better policies, and we have just normalized talking about both the ups and the downs of this very unique and often stressful lifestyle.
Transitioning Culture
If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know I love talking about my grandma and how different her experience as a military spouse was decades ago. I have so much respect for the generations of spouses that came before us. They truly did more with less, and I count myself very lucky to have access to so much support, fellow spouses who welcome a real conversation, and the freedom to decline a unit event without worrying my husband’s career will take a hit.
It might not be an easy task to evolve while staying rooted in transition, but hey, we do a lot of things that aren’t easy. This military spouse life will keep growing to fit the needs of the community, and I’ll be looking back, cheering on the next generation who will, like my teenagers, probably make me feel old when I recall FROs and meeting “IRL” (in real life) at a unit spouse meeting where I showed up alone as the new girl.
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