Early in my marriage to my Marine, I was given advice to always “keep a stiff upper lip” no matter what challenges we faced. In hindsight, I realize that was unsustainable advice from a generation that, despite being called the Greatest Generation, often overlooked the importance of mental health and the morale of military families. This was also a time when a military spouse’s behavior could directly affect whether their service member was promoted.
I took that advice to heart and spent many years living by it. I often found myself relating to the infamous meme of a cartoon dog sitting calmly sipping coffee in a burning room, telling himself, “This is fine.”
Outwardly, everything was fine because I made sure it was. I’ve come to realize that job is too big for one person (even if that person is a hard-headed woman with a stiff upper lip). Eventually, burnout replaces enthusiasm. Anxiety overshadows excitement. Resentment masks gratitude. Complaints dominate conversation. Cynicism overpowers optimism, and patience expires.
What we experience as military spouses may seem “normal” — the long separations, solo parenting, the unpredictable nature of the PCS cycle and the brain power it requires, the inherent danger that comes with our spouse’s job. The list goes on. Our lives and the stress we face are anything but normal. For years, I tried to respond as if they were, and no wonder I felt depleted. No wonder my anxiety was at an all-time high and my energy was at a record low.
With my epiphany in hand, I wondered where to go from there. Venting to my fellow military spouse friends sounded like a good start, but the truth is, we’re all tired and busy. After a certain point, it feels like you’re moving rocks from one pile to another without getting anywhere. So, I turned to my husband. He listened to my feelings for a while, but I soon noticed his stress rising as mine lowered. That didn’t feel fair. I tried self-care, yoga, journaling, but the fatigue, stress, and anxiety lingered.
Eventually, I accepted that what I needed was therapy. Once that realization hit, a whole new set of excuses popped up: I don’t have time; I don’t know how to get started; it probably won’t even help; I don’t really need it — I’m just being dramatic; I’m not sure TRICARE even covers it. What if people find out?
Not to spoil the ending, but I did have time. Getting started was easier than I thought — there are plenty of options, even if you don’t know where to begin. It did help — still does — and yes, I did need it. TRICARE does cover it. As for the fear of people finding out? Well, only because I’ve shared it, people have found out. It’s only led to more honest conversations, increased authenticity, and a shift toward destigmatization in my circle.
It doesn’t help to fake a normal reaction in this very abnormal life we lead as military spouses. Military life is stressful; certain parts of it can trigger emotions we didn’t realize we carried. The abnormal reactions are actually normal. Reach out for help when you need it. If that’s today, take the important first step. You can get guidance from Military OneSource or TRICARE or talk to your primary care doctor for a referral to a mental health professional.
