The word “resilience” is a dirty word in the military community. Too often, it’s used as an unhelpful band-aid to cover the challenges of military life. Military spouses are told it will be easy to adjust to moving every three years because they are “resilient.” We are told not to worry about military kids losing friends or changing schools, because they are “so resilient.” There’s a whole generation of military spouses who — after two decades of war — are tired of being praised for their resilience and instead want meaningful help.
The problem with resilience is that it’s not a passive trait that military families are born with. At no point does the military automatically assign us a resilient gene. Telling someone to be resilient does not solve their problem or ease their pain. Praising someone for being resilient doesn’t make their challenges any easier to face. It’s this misunderstanding that causes people to bristle when they hear the word in conversations.
The problem comes because resilience is often equated with strength. However, these words are not synonyms. Being strong does not make you immune to pain. Even strong people have bad days and painful experiences or emotions. If a rock were placed in the middle of a rushing river, we could tell it to “stay strong!” but it would still be gradually worn away by the passing water. Too many military spouses have felt like that rock in the middle of the stream, trying to hold their place while powerful forces wear them down.
Instead, everyone needs to understand that resilience is a skill. Resilience is something you become only after effort, hard work, painful challenges and difficult trauma. Resilience is the result of painful growth. Being resilient does not mean someone never fails. Instead, it’s a sign that they have fallen many times and have learned to pick themselves up, to adjust and arrange things differently in the future.
While military families often demonstrate resilience, it’s important to understand that military life doesn’t magically become OK because families are resilient. Instead, it is their ability to adapt and become resilient that has allowed them to be OK with this lifestyle.
So, if it’s no longer useful to challenge military families to “just be resilient,” what message would be more helpful?
Here are four useful things to tell a military family (and all are better than asking them to be resilient):
- Build a strong support system. Instead of praising military families for strength, stoicism and rugged independence, let’s instead prepare them for the reality that no one gets through this challenging lifestyle alone. We all need a supportive network — in both our military and civilian communities — to help us get through the unexpected logistical and emotional challenges of the military. The earlier spouses are invited into a healthy support network and shown the power of a supportive community, the sooner they’ll learn to reach out and build a new network for themselves every time they move. This will have a long-lasting impact on their ability to weather military challenges.
- Develop healthy coping strategies. In military life, families cannot avoid huge disruptions like deployments, PCS moves or temporary separations from their service member. Families can practice healthy habits, mindsets and ways to work through these challenges. Knowing what routines and coping strategies work best for you or your children will make something like a PCS move feel a lot easier to handle.
- Nurture a healthy lifestyle. You don’t need an extreme diet and workout routine to have a healthy lifestyle. Every military family member should strive for daily routines that make them physically strong and mentally tough. Physical activity, regular meals and consistent sleep all play a role in your emotional health. Practice making small changes until you feel like the best version of yourself, prepared to handle whatever the military throws your way.
- Intentionally practice self-care. The most “resilient” military spouses are those who have identified their own interests and are able to follow their own passions throughout the winding paths of their military journey. Find the habits and hobbies that nourish you and recharge your batteries after a difficult day. Self-care doesn’t need to be expensive or time-consuming activities. Instead, it should be small moments you can look forward to each day or each week because they bring joy and gratitude to your routine.
Instead of expecting military spouses to suffer difficulties without complaint, we should instead speak about the value of building a support system, developing healthy coping strategies, having a healthy lifestyle and practicing self-care. These small changes can have an overall healing and strengthening effect.
