Deployment is what I might call the second “D word” unique to military families, and unfortunately, a word we must at some point speak to our children. If you are like me, you struggle with how to go about this subject with your own kids, or if you should address it at all. It seems easier to try and float around the word with them, especially when they are young. “Daddy is on a work trip” is what I most often find myself saying, leaving out the part about where he is going or how long he will be gone. I wrestle with this each time… whether honesty or comfort is most important for them. But then I wonder, is it really comforting to them when we shield them from the truth? Even if the intent was to protect, when their dad still isn’t home months later, doesn’t this create unrest for them in the too-soft expectations we set? I think the answer is: It depends on age and what they are developmentally ready for. Below, I will break up our personal approaches based on age range.
Toddlers: A “vaguely honest” approach is best. For instance, “Daddy is going on a long work trip to help other people.” We will then follow up shortly with a statement of reassurance to make them feel safe, such as “We will miss him lots, but he can still talk to us on the phone, and we can send him lots of pictures, and he will come back in a while.” For shorter separations (under a month), we like to make paper chains to count down days until Daddy is home, but I wouldn’t recommend this with longer separations because a six- or nine-month paper chain is going to take up your entire living room and be more depressing to look at than anything. (Also, who with toddlers has the time for that?!) A Daddy doll or a special recorded audio message of Daddy talking could be helpful in bringing them comfort as well. At this age, they are out-of-sight-out-of-mind creatures, which makes them resilient, but these little physical reminders of Dad can keep the love and memories alive for them.
Young Children (Age 5-8): A “mostly honest but positive” approach is best. You might say something along the lines of “Daddy is going to another country to help the Army for a while. He will be gone for a long time but will be safe and loves you so much.” To keep things positive, you can immediately start brainstorming with them about ways to stay connected with their dad, such as writing letters, sending photos, making a list of fun things to do together to pass the time, and anything else you think they might enjoy — but let them feel sad, too. They are going to feel the weight of this more than their toddler siblings.
Older Children (9+): A “fully transparent and validating” approach is best. Explain what their dad is doing to the best of your ability and answer any questions they might have as best you can. Avoiding these questions can stir up anxiety and unrest for older children. You might tell them something like this: “Dad is being deployed overseas for a mission. It is part of his job to protect people and serve our country. He’ll be gone for [insert exact number] months, but we will talk with him as much as we can.” It is important to not only answer any questions they have but also to validate any emotion they are feeling about it. To connect with them through this, you might ask if they’d like to help plan things like communication schedules, setting goals, making a countdown calendar with fun things to do in the waiting. You can also encourage self-reflective things like journaling or seeing a counselor to deal with any big emotions they might be feeling.
Be aware that whenever Dad does return, it can be traumatic, especially for toddlers and young children, to see him put on his uniform and drive away for the first time since coming home. We started using easy terms like “long work” and “short work” to create simple language for our toddlers to understand if Daddy would be home later that day or gone for days at a time. Our five-year-old, still to this day, asks if Daddy is at “long or short work.”
While it can be helpful to take different approaches based on the ages of your children, it is more important that you take the approach you personally feel is best for your family and your unique children. There are certainly developmental differences between what toddlers, young children and older children can comprehend — but you as the parent know best. Above all the advice given up top: Listen to your gut and say only what you think your child will handle best.
The ‘D word’ isn’t something that even the most seasoned military spouse knows how to process at times, and so it only makes sense that we treat a child’s ears with even more caution and care.
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