I attended kindergarten with the same people I graduated with. I went to college in the same city. I rarely (if ever) had to get out of my social comfort zone to make friends, and I certainly have never been one to venture out of that comfort zone voluntarily.
No. Thank. You.
You can probably see where this is going. That first PCS was quite a social experiment. I was far from home, my husband quickly deployed, and I had a pretty clear (and mostly incorrect) understanding of what a military spouse was supposed to be socially. I needed to make myself outgoing.
I don’t recommend doing that, so don’t stop reading just yet. I made some incredible friends who I couldn’t have done that first tour without, but it didn’t take me long to realize I couldn’t keep up with their social pace. Eventually, I’d skip out on lunch meetups, group walks and girls’ nights when my social battery just couldn’t take it.
I was burning myself out trying to make myself something I’m just not. Eventually, those friends got the message (probably before I figured it out myself). They realized I needed a day between socializing and didn’t read into it when I turned down plans.
I’ve learned a lot about myself since that first tour, including some survival tips for any fellow introverts trying to make it in an extrovert lifestyle:
- Don’t fly solo on day one. Join your spouse for a unit event. Bring your kids to a family-friendly event. Take your dog to the dog park. Convince a friend from a previous duty station to join you for a spouse function. Socializing (for me at least) is much less intimidating when I know someone in the room.
- Make recharge days mandatory. The military has mandatory fun, and you (fellow introvert) and I have mandatory recharge days. After a particularly social Saturday, you’ll find me cozy at home on Sunday. You can try to invite me to Sunday brunch — and I appreciate the invitation — but it’s a no from me.
- Adopt an extrovert. Or, rather, get adopted by an extrovert. While it’s never something I set out to do, I always ended up with extrovert friends at every duty station. Probably because no introvert is out striking up conversations with strangers.
- Lean in and step up. There is never (ever) a shortage of opportunities to volunteer as a military spouse. Join a service organization, volunteer to serve on a committee or attend a service-centric social. Just as kids’ parties move along a little faster with an activity, situations focused on something other than socializing can alleviate a lot of pressure. This also works for clubs — the idea of facing an installation-wide spouse club makes my palms start sweating, but venturing into a smaller group, such as a book club or walking club, seems doable. Fewer people and an activity to drive conversation — it’s a win-win.
- Use social media (with caution). Love it or hate it, social media is thriving, especially within the military network. Installations pass along information, and there are spouse groups, buy-sell-trade groups, and the list goes on. While this can be a way to meet new people, like anything else on the internet, please use caution, especially when sharing information such as your location, phone number, spouse’s unit, etc. Most military-connected groups that I’ve seen have security measures in place, but extra caution is always a good idea.
With age, I’ve realized there is no “mold” for a military spouse. There are all kinds of personalities in the mix. Fellow introvert, save yourself the trouble of trying to be something you’re not. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin will increase your value at any duty station, in any friend group and, most importantly, with yourself. Separately, from my own quiet, comfy home, I am cheering for you!
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