“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
I’ve heard this countless times over the last eight years — words offered with kindness, but usually without substance. When someone is overwhelmed, they often don’t know what to ask for. I’ve been that person more times than I can count. And admittedly I’ve also been the one who’s said those same words. They’re easy to offer: a safe blend of noncommittal compassion.
As things ramp up in the world and I find myself, as well as friends, experiencing increasing stressors relating to military life, I want to share a few practical ways to support a military spouse — ways that go beyond simply asking what they need. If you genuinely want to help, you likely won’t get an answer anyway. Instead, you’ll need to anticipate their needs.
- Provide a meal. If it’s a neighbor, cook a little extra and send a few plates over. If it’s someone you work with, double your dinner and prepare in disposable aluminum pans you can take to your friend the next day. If you can’t find the right food to make or time to bring food, send over a meal delivery or restaurant gift card with a thoughtful note such as: “For when you just can’t even cook dinner.”
- Bring a treat. Drop off their favorite coffee drink on the way home from running errands. If it’s a holiday and they’re alone, drop off donuts and a card so they don’t feel forgotten. Drop off items to make ice cream sundaes with the kids as a fun distraction from reality.
- Take the kids. Offer to take the kids to the playground one afternoon or come over and supervise a popsicle backyard date or pizza movie lunch while they take a nap upstairs. If practical, offer to take over one school pickup or drop off each week.
- Provide company and connection. Ask your friend to get coffee one afternoon while your spouse or babysitter keeps the kids. Ask if they’d like to walk once a week. Call (actually call, not text) on a random Saturday and ask how they’re doing (and when they say “fine,” ask how they’re really doing). Invite your friend over for dinner or breakfast or out to lunch after church. If they’ve been without their spouse for too long, they probably crave adult conversation more than just about anything.
- Run an errand. Ask if you can grab some staples while you’re at the wholesale store or grab any items while running other miscellaneous errands. Do a curbside pickup for your friend. If they or the kids are sick, bring over some ginger ale and chicken noodle soup. If you want to get creative, make a little “sick basket” full of throat soothing lollipops, immunity boosting tablets, vapor nose sticks, throat soothing tea and honey, cough drops, and whatever else you can think of. Offer to pick up medications.
- Do a chore. Tell your friend to leave a basket of dirty laundry on the porch. Take it home and wash and fold and return it. Next time you’re over, take out the trash and unload (or load) the dishwasher. Take their car to get washed (and vacuum it out!).
- Enlist your spouse (if available): If your spouse is home, available and willing to help, you can ask them to do a few tasks around the house for your friend. For instance, if you’re neighbors, your spouse could commit to taking your friend’s trash to the curb every trash night or mowing their lawn or repairing something that needs fixing. Most military members I know would bend over backward for a military spouse who is alone because they know how much they would appreciate someone helping their own spouse.
Whether you’re putting something onto your friend’s plate (such as bringing a meal), or taking something off their plate, the best way to help a military spouse is by making them feel thought of without them asking for help. These thoughtful, intentional acts of kindness will help your friend feel truly supported and remind them how fortunate they are to have a friend like you – someone who stands out from the crowd of well-meaning but vague offers to help.
Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.
