It’s the season of giving, when everyone’s seeking the most memorable gifts to share with family and friends. In the military spouse community, we could all probably use more money, more time with family and more quality moments with our service members. But there’s one gift I wish I could offer to every military spouse or significant other: the gift of encouragement.
The Lack of Encouragement in Military Life
Why does encouragement stand out as the top gift for every military spouse this season? After two decades of military life, numerous command and unit functions, plenty of mandatory fun events and a variety of spouse club drama, I’ve noticed that sincere encouragement is sorely lacking for military families.
It’s no secret military life is challenging and stressful. However, instead of receiving sympathy or empathy to help us navigate this lifestyle, military spouses are often told to grin and bear it or be resilient. This type of toxic positivity does little to improve an individual’s attitude. Instead, it makes it more difficult to share or discuss real problems.
When a military spouse does feel comfortable enough to share painful personal experiences, stories shared in a group setting often turn into a game of “who had it worse?” where every other spouse in attendance takes a turn trying to outdo the previous speaker.
It’s true that military spouses can face similar issues related to deployments or PCS moves. When someone shares a painful experience, their problems shouldn’t be laughed at or belittled. When it comes to military spouse life, experiences certainly vary. For some, these life-changing events can cause invisible trauma or emotional pain that takes months to overcome.
How To Give the Gift of Encouragement
To my fellow military spouses, I say: We can do better than this. There’s a gift we all need to give more generously. Instead of trying to trump each other’s stories or shut down another spouse’s difficulties with toxic positivity, let’s focus on giving each other some much-needed gifts.
It costs nothing to offer a listening ear or a supportive hug. Sometimes, a few kind words will be treasured for years to come. What if we all focused on giving the gift of encouragement throughout the coming year?
I want to give military spouses the gift of being heard, valued and appreciated.
Every military spouse I’ve met has been strong or inspirational in some way. The sacrifices we make look different from our service member’s sacrifices, of course. Even if they seem small, they’re very real and should be acknowledged.
Our journeys are difficult, and small victories should be celebrated. Through the big hurdles and the small inconveniences of this life, military spouses should be encouraged and motivated.
Giving the gift of encouragement doesn’t take a lot of training, but it does require a conscious effort. Here are the steps I recommend to be more encouraging:
- Listen: To encourage someone, you must first take the time to listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t change the subject to your own stories, and don’t brush aside their experience. I’ve learned that many military spouses crave a kind listener when they’re struggling.
- Provide empathy: After listening, many people want to jump right to offering advice, but don’t skip this crucial step. Military spouses want their experiences to be acknowledged and validated. Whether their challenge is big or small, it’s a very real part of their life. Give them permission to feel this way. Let them know their response is OK — and it’s probably quite common among others in a similar situation!
- Offer a step forward: Finally, after you’ve had the patience to listen and the generosity to be empathetic, you can now offer advice or additional resources. After you’ve sat with someone in their dark cave of loneliness, they’re more likely to listen when you point out the sunlight up ahead. You don’t have to solve someone’s problems in one sitting, but you can help them envision their next step or point them towards a solution. You can offer to hold their hand or walk with them as they move forward.
To share encouragement, we must listen, share empathy and help people take small steps toward meaningful change. Is there a military spouse who needs the gift of encouragement this season? Will you be the one to offer them that much-needed gift?
