Kristi’s husband kneels indoors and gently holds a seated black-and-tan dog’s face.

The Day After Homecoming

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

My go-to response when someone asks me how I’m enjoying my husband’s new retirement lifestyle: “He’s around a lot.” I say this in jest, of course. I love him and love having him around, but it is an adjustment, a disruption of routine, a crash course in sharing space, time and responsibilities. It’s a new chapter, but strangely nostalgic somehow. And, because all the clearest epiphanies happen in the middle of the night, I finally figured out when I’d felt this way before while trying to will myself back to sleep around 2 a.m. This is what those days after deployment homecomings were preparing me for.

Kristi’s husband holds his young child in a flight suit as a smiling Kristi stands beside them.

Instagram vs. Reality

Deployments, for the lucky ones, are punctuated with a homecoming. It’s the moment we look forward to for months. The outfit, the posters, the photographer — all the things we can control in an otherwise out-of-control situation — become a pet project.

Then we spot our person, and all the months of thriving (or just surviving, depending on the day) become the past. We exhale months of frustrations, annoyances, inconveniences (looking at you, Murphy’s Law) and hyper-independence. Then we grab their hand and a piece of olive-green baggage and head home to live happily ever after.

Later that night, conscious of how much noise we’re making for the first time in months, we tiptoe to the bathroom. Except this time, that olive-green bag — difficult to see in the dark — is obstructing our usual nightly path. We trip, knock our knee into the doorframe, and though we manage to stay upright, the collision and the whisper screaming has everyone wide awake and irritated.

Desperate for a second cup of coffee the next morning, we’re disappointed to find the carafe empty and our eyes pan to our partner sipping their coffee.

We talk ourselves out of being annoyed because we can make more coffee. Right now, we should be nothing but grateful to have them home. And we are. We truly are.

But two things can be true at once. We are allowed to be thankful and irritated. Just as we had to learn how to exist in a new normal during the deployment, we now have to relearn how to share space (and coffee) with our returning service member.

A smiling Kristi and her young child sit on a blanket beside an aircraft; the child’s shirt reads, “Daddy’s Copilot.”

Day Two

The homecoming photos are shared on social media. We see pure joy on everyone’s faces. We can almost hear the band and the hum of the plane or bus delivering heroes back to their loved ones. The hard part, though, is rarely Insta-worthy. This part happens at home once the excitement passes and the mounds of deployment laundry pile up. The hard part is built of subtle changes to our environment and routine: “the gear bomb” (as my husband calls it, when uniforms and gear seem to be everywhere); sharing the TV, the bathroom, space in the driveway and the contents of the fridge; adjusting to sleep habits — snoring, late-night trips to the bathroom, or the dog who refuses to return to his bed after six months of that king-sized, pillow-top life. It’s reacclimating to each other’s sounds and habits and learning all the new ones we developed while we were apart.

In my very humble opinion, the transition from deployment to home is every bit as hard as home to deployment, only now the world expects us to have nothing to complain about. Let me just go on record and say that if the days after your partner’s homecoming don’t feel like a Lifetime movie, you’re not alone in that. These are major life transitions, and they’re tough. But so are we.

Though homecoming’s challenges are often overshadowed by banners of red, white and blue and heartwarming social media posts announcing a picture-perfect reunion, the days that follow are important, too, and probably deserve more airtime. Take it slow. Give everyone (including yourself) a little space and grace. Slowly, likely so slowly that you won’t even notice, you’ll find your rhythm together again. It may never be “back to normal” because you’ve both grown, but the new normal is something you’ll create together. Well, you and the dog, whose new normal is firmly cuddled up in your bed.

Kristi’s child stands beside packed bags, including a camouflage backpack.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of deployment resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Lauren smiles while sitting on a wooden bench with her son beside her.

Building a Closet for Military Life

Written By Lauren Hagee Glintz

One morning this past spring, I stood in my closet feeling desperate. The weather had warmed enough that the bulky sweaters I lived in all winter were no longer comfortable. My clothes from previous summers either didn’t fit or were purchased for Arizona’s blazing dry heat. We had PCSed, and I now needed summer clothes to handle the boggy humidity and unexpected rain showers of coastal North Carolina. With no time or options, I ended up in a stretched-out t-shirt and running shorts. I felt frumpy and blah all day.

Lauren smiles while holding her baby as she sits on a cushioned window seat.

It sounds trivial, but it was a daily problem for me. I had managed to adapt in almost all other ways to our new duty station. The boxes were unpacked, and we’d made friends, but my wardrobe had been left by the wayside. Every day, it weighed on me until I realized I no longer felt like my best self.

Initially, I couldn’t see a way to fix the issue. Buying an entirely new wardrobe is expensive, and we are a single-income military family. I didn’t want to blow our discretionary budget on myself right at the beginning of the summer when we wanted to have money for vacations and kid activities.

I also couldn’t justify buying a full set of new clothes I may only wear for one season. After years of pregnancy and postpartum, my body is still changing. Plus, we’re a military family. Who knows where we’ll be next summer? Will I have another change in climate making what I buy now impractical for a new duty station? I foresaw years of frumpiness stretching out in front of me.

Lauren poses with her son on a wooden deck overlooking a grassy landscape at sunset.

Until one evening, I had an epiphany: a capsule wardrobe, something I’m sure I saw in a magazine years ago waiting in the recesses of my mind for just this moment. A closet made up of a few pieces that can be mixed and matched into many different outfits. It seemed like a viable solution!

But I had one more roadblock. I was exhausted. I am often solo parenting, making a million decisions each day. I just didn’t have the mental reserves to devote the precious free time after the kids were in bed to researching and shopping, especially since I didn’t even know where to start.

So, I outsourced it. I turned to a generative AI tool and told it I needed a capsule wardrobe. I described my body type, my personal style and the area where I live, and I asked it to provide specific suggestions from affordable stores.

Lauren poses with her husband, son and a baby on a beach with ocean waves behind them.

It was fun looking through the options offered, like I had a digital personal stylist, and I only chose clothes I truly felt excited about. I ended up buying almost every item of my new eight-piece wardrobe at one favorite store that was offering 50% off. In addition, my husband, in support of my scheme, bought me a discounted gift card through a warehouse club. I bought a whole new wardrobe in about an hour, well under the budget I set for myself.

Not to be dramatic about it, but my capsule wardrobe has been life-changing. My morning routine picking an outfit now involves no angst, and I walk out of my closet feeling breezy but put-together. I’m not trying to say I’m now a fashionista. No one has invited me to New York Fashion Week, but, when I show up for play dates, my friends have been so complimentary of my outfits and don’t seem to be tired of seeing the same pieces. Just last week over a video call, my mom, unprompted, said, “Your capsule wardrobe is really working for you.” But, of course, the most important thing is how I feel. And I feel really good about myself again.

Now, with autumn here, the weather is changing, and I find myself in the same predicament. This time, though, I feel equipped. I willingly sacrifice a lot as a military spouse and a mother, but I never want to sacrifice my self-esteem. The capsule wardrobe has given me back my confidence in this hectic season of life as a military spouse.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.

A young child watches uniformed service members and families gathered outdoors near rows of military gear.

Tips for Your Next Deployment

Written By Lizann Lightfoot

There’s a particular kind of mental exhaustion that hits when a deployment end date keeps moving. In the middle of a deployment, most spouses find a steady rhythm. You learn how to carry the full load alone: work, school, household decisions, bedtime meltdowns, finances and the emotional weight of missing your partner. It is hard, but in some ways it becomes familiar. Then the official return date is announced, and everything changes. The final stretch suddenly feels much heavier. Carrying that pack for another week, or even another day, can feel almost unbearable. Why?

Lizann and four children stand at an airport holding handmade signs that read “Welcome,” “Home,” “Daddy,” and “We Love You!”

After two decades as a Marine spouse and seven deployments, I’ve lived this shift many times. The uncertainty doesn’t just disrupt the calendar. It unsettles your mind, your plans and the quiet progress you thought you had made. The momentum you built through the long middle months can disappear overnight. The closer you get to the supposed finish line, the more the weight presses on you. Once the countdown begins, it has a kind of finality and pressure. When the dates keep changing, visual countdowns that once felt motivating (paper chains, jars of chocolate kisses) become sources of frustration when you have to add extra links or candy.

Layered on top of the delayed return is the uncertainty of reintegration itself. Will your service member adjust smoothly to the household, or will they feel distant, awkward or uncomfortable for a while? Will the kids warm up quickly, or will they cry and prefer the parent who has been home with them every day? You want the reunion to be joyful, yet you know from experience that it is often complicated. It’s difficult to relax when so much feels unsettled.

There is also the long list of decisions you have been postponing. Many spouses deliberately delay choices that would benefit from the service member’s input: major purchases, medical decisions, school enrollments or household changes. The problem is that those unanswered questions keep looping in the background of your mind. During one deployment, my husband’s potential return dates fell on either side of my due date with our second baby. I would either give birth on base with him there, or near my hometown where I had family to help. For weeks I maintained completely different birth plans in two different states, researching insurance, hospital paperwork and logistics for both possibilities. The uncertainty made it nearly impossible to feel settled about the birth. That kind of mental splitting is exhausting, and it is more common than many people realize.

Red, white and blue “Welcome Home” banners hang with American flags in a rustic room.

Protecting your peace during shifting end dates requires a different approach than the middle of deployment. Short-term flexible goals work better than long-range plans. Consistent personal anchors like your morning coffee ritual, a weekly call with a trusted friend or an evening walk can give you something steady when the timeline will not stay still. It also helps to limit how often you check for updates.

I have learned that allowing myself a short, honest reaction when a date shifts can help me recover faster. When one return was delayed by a full month, I gave myself a few days to cry and feel disappointment before picking up the routine again. Another time the plane had a mechanical issue, and the delay was only three days. I had just returned from the grocery store with all his favorite foods when I got the news. That small delay felt crushing because I had already shifted into “he’s almost home” mode. Eventually, I put some things in the freezer, planned simple meals for the kids and me, and adjusted. Those moments taught me that acknowledging the letdown is healthier than forcing myself to stay upbeat immediately.

Military OneSource can be a useful support during these uncertain stretches. Confidential counseling is available if the mental load of delayed returns and reintegration worries becomes heavy. Consultants can also help with practical concerns that pile up when plans keep changing. Calling 800-342-9647 or using their online tools can provide perspective when you are too close to the situation to see clearly.

Living with a moving end date is one of the quieter hardships of military life. The middle of deployment builds endurance. The final stretch, especially when it keeps stretching you, tests your capacity to keep going when you thought you were almost finished. You are allowed to feel the weight. You are also allowed to adjust your expectations, lower the pressure and protect your energy while you wait.

The deployment will end — eventually — even if the date keeps changing. Until then, your peace is worth guarding one flexible day at a time.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of deployment resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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