Kristi’s husband embraces family.

Military Retirement: What We Kept, What We Lost, and What We’d Tell Others

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about the military, it’s that the military loves protocol. If there’s an SOP (standard operating procedure) or custom, it’s either inked on a pamphlet somewhere or is explained by the most seasoned person in the room.

Kristi’s husband in a flight suit shares a joyful moment.

Birthday ball ceremony, change of command, reenlistment, promotion, retirement — there’s a protocol for that. This (false) confidence is what had this anxious, type A blogger cool as a cucumber on the last lap to retirement. Who needs a plan when the Marine Corps has one for us?

I eventually learned that retirement “expectations” — shall we call them that? — are loose as a goose. While this can equate to a heavier (or lighter, depending on what you prefer) workload for the retiree and their family, the chance to personalize the experience gave the day extra meaning.

Kristi’s family stands proudly during a formal recognition ceremony.

Traditions We Kept

  • Dress Code: Would my husband have preferred to show up in flip-flops and an untucked Hawaiian print shirt? Obviously, but he settled on a flight suit and encouraged attendees to wear the same (cammies, if they must) or the civilian equivalent. Did we care? No, but as someone who will waste hours trying to figure out what to wear to a given event, guidance is always appreciated.
  • Retirement Oath: Pretty self-explanatory, we kept this one by the book and let my husband’s retiring officer say a few words. My advice: Choose the retiring officer wisely (we sure did). There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Opt for meaning over traditions or expectations.
  • Reception: It was casual and inclusive. There were drinks and a nonsensical assortment of appetizers because my husband catered with his heart.

Traditions We Kicked

  • The Expensive Cake: While I love supporting fellow military spouses, the cake occurred to me too late in the game. We decided against an elaborate fondant masterpiece and, instead, ordered five-dozen cupcakes. To anyone who ate one, I’d like to state that I had every intention of putting some sort of Marine decoration on it, but there weren’t enough hours in the day. Thank you for using your imagination!
  • The Flowers: I love a good flower arrangement, but I can promise they would’ve wilted by the time they made it to a water-filled vase.
  • The Donation in Lieu of Flowers: We all support something; we just didn’t see the need to remind everyone that we’re philanthropic.

Woman speaks into a microphone while reading from a red folder at a military ceremony.

Traditions We Made Our Own

  • Invitations: We saved time, paper and postage by sending beautiful invitations via email. There are all kinds of programs that let you follow templates or work from scratch, and it will track opens and RSVPs for you — one less thing on your to-do list!
  • Speeches: In addition to the retiring officer’s speech that had everyone reaching for tissues, my husband shared words of thanks, but between these two (retired) Marines, my husband asked me to speak. When I realized he wasn’t kidding, I jotted down a cool nine pages of things I’ve wanted to say for 17 years (then swapped some of the salt for sugar in the final draft). I couldn’t be prouder of him for thinking outside the box here and putting the spotlight back on family on his day. The military family is something we’ve both prioritized during his years of service, and it felt right to foot-stomp it on the way out.
  • Personalized Recognition: I must hand it to my husband and his fellow Marines on this one. I expected the usual “thank you for your service as a military spouse” and “military kids serve too,” but our son, daughter, and I all received individualized words of appreciation during the ceremony. I know I was touched, and judging by the crocodile tears from our daughter and lack of sarcasm from our son after the ceremony, they were moved too.
  • Retiree and Family Gifts: There’s no shortage of Facebook threads with advice on traditional and nontraditional gifts. Plenty of spouses will tell you they opted out of gifts because their years of support were gifts enough (valid). This one’s a choose-your-own-adventure. I would encourage you to do whatever feels meaningful to you because — guess what — no one else sees it anyway, so brush off any expectation of a “traditional gift.” Our family opted for a brick at the Museum of the Marine Corps and a trip to the Bahamas over anything else with the eagle, globe and anchor on it since our house recently inherited 20 years’ worth of plaques and awards. As for the rest of us, the kids each received a symbolic watch from a veteran-owned company, and I got a ring so perfect, it’s almost like I had the benefit of picking it out myself!
  • Program: Like any good ceremony, there was a program, but my husband’s fellow Marines (again) went above and beyond to add photos from his career (some of which I provided) as opposed to a more traditional look. It was perfect.

Family poses on a sandy beach with iguanas, enjoying tropical time together.

Final Thoughts

I’ll be honest, the retirement ceremony felt like a box to check on the way out. Instead, it was a ceremony that felt like “us.” It wasn’t stuffy or overly scripted. There were tears, laughs and hugs. And just as they did throughout my husband’s career, the people in the room and those there in spirit made it possible, made it bearable, and made it something we will always cherish. So, when it comes to retirement planning, here’s my advice: Make it feel like you — your spouse, your kids, your family — and you can’t go wrong.

Kristi hugs a man in a suit during a celebratory moment.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of retiring resources and tools tailored to your needs.

A patriotic “Welcome Home” banner with U.S. flag pennants hangs from wooden beams indoors.

From Mourning To Moving Forward: How To Honor Duty Stations After a Move

Written By Lizann Lightfoot

Spring brings PCS season, and with it a bittersweet ache for military families. The friends who became family, the favorite coffee spot near base, the neighborhood park where your kids learned to ride bikes, all start to feel like something you’re leaving behind forever. Moving causes heartache and grief. It’s not the same grief as losing a loved one, but it affects your body and your emotions in a similar way.

Lizann carries a toddler in a hiking backpack while standing near the ocean.

After moving to six different duty stations during my husband’s two-decade Marine career, I’ve felt a type of loss or grief every time, some moves more intensely than others. Each place weaves itself into your memories and your family’s story, so saying goodbye hurts. When you live somewhere unique, like an overseas location, leaving feels permanent because you might never return. I’ve learned by creating small, meaningful rituals, you can say a proper farewell and honor this important chapter in your journey.

A group sits on a porch step eating food and smiling at the camera.

The first step is to acknowledge PCS grief. Let yourself feel the loss without rushing past it. Military life often pushes us to “hurry up and wait,” but grief doesn’t follow orders. Give yourself permission to be sad about the people and places you’re leaving. Cry in the car after one last playdate or sit quietly in your soon-to-be-empty house and remember the good moments. Acknowledging the grief makes space for the growth that comes next.

One of the most powerful ways to honor a duty station is with a farewell event. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy, just intentional. Host a low-key goodbye gathering in your backyard or at a favorite park. Invite the friends who’ve carried you through deployments, child care crises and late-night moves. Share stories, take group photos and maybe exchange small tokens like a favorite recipe or a handwritten note. When we left our overseas base, we did a simple potluck with neighbors. Everyone brought a dish that reminded them of our time there. Laughing, eating and hugging goodbye felt like closing a chapter with love instead of silence.

If a big goodbye event feels overwhelming, try a solo or family-only ritual. Walk your favorite loop on base one last time, stopping at spots that hold special memories. Point out to your kids where they had their first sleepover or learned to swim. Take photos of those places: the playground, the commissary, the view from your front porch. These walks help everyone process the change together. If your children are young, photos will help them process the change later.

Building a simple photo album is a gentle way to preserve the good without clinging too tightly. Use a free app or Google Photos to create a shared album like “Our Time at [Duty Station].” Add pictures from birthdays, holidays, spouse coffee meetups and everyday moments. Once it’s done, print a few favorites for a small memory book or frame one for your new home. The album or framed photos become a reminder that love and laughter travel with you.

A large group of kids sit and stand together outdoors, eating popsicles and ice cream in a suburban neighborhood.

Four young children, including a baby, sit together.

For kids, rituals can make goodbye easier to understand. Let them create a “memory jar.” They write or draw memories on slips of paper and drop them in a jar. Read a few aloud before you leave, then seal it to open on tough days at the new place. Some families write farewell letters to the house or base and “mail” them by tucking them away in a keepsake box. It’s a good way to savor the sweet memories without dwelling in the past.

When the movers arrive and the house is empty, it’s normal to feel a little lost. That’s when these rituals pay off. You’ve already said thank you and goodbye in your own way, so you can focus on the hello ahead. Scout the new base early: find a playground, coffee shop or local restaurant to claim as yours. Reach out to local spouse groups or join virtual events to start building connections before you unpack.

A moving truck is surrounded by cardboard boxes as two movers load large furniture crates.

After seven moves, I’ve realized every duty station leaves a piece of us behind and takes a piece with it. The grief is real, but so is the strength that comes from honoring what was while stepping into what will be. Those seven places aren’t just addresses. They’re chapters in our family’s story. By ritualizing the goodbye, we carry the best parts forward: friendships, the lessons, the love.

So as spring PCS orders roll in, don’t skip the mourning. Embrace it with small, heartfelt acts. Raise a coffee mug to the memories, then turn toward the next adventure. You’ll arrive as people who’ve loved deeply and learned to keep loving through every change. Believe me, military spouse, your heart has room for the places you’ve been and the ones waiting ahead.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of PCS resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Sydney holding her baby watching a nighttime military ceremony with a raised American flag.

You Know You’re a Military Spouse When…

Written By Sydney Smith

Being a military spouse means living in a unique world that doesn’t always make sense to people on the outside. It’s a life measured less by the normal up and down rhythm of life or the comforts found in familiarity and roots, and more so by countdowns, moves, deployments, homecomings, hard goodbyes, new beginnings and constant change. The military spouse embodies equal parts pride, chaos, resilience and humor developed purely for survival.

If you know, you know. And if you don’t, these sentence finishers might give you a glimpse into the beautifully unhinged, deeply meaningful reality of military spouse life. You know you’re a military spouse when…

  • You have a paper chain made of 270 links draping across the perimeter of your entire living room.
  • You can make a best friend in six months.
  • Your plans revolve around the promised four-day weekends and block leave dates that you know may never happen.
  • You bang the lid of the pasta jar with the back of a knife to get it open because “you don’t need no man” even though your husband is right in the other room.
  • You start making up acronyms for every little thing like the shows you watch and the stores you shop at because, well, this just feels like a normal thing to do.
  • Your child often asks, “Is Daddy at long work or short work?”
  • You overuse the word “adventure” because it makes everything sound a little less scary.
  • You own an entire wardrobe for every climate that exists in North America.
  • Your whole day was unexpectedly taken up because you were “on the phone with TRICARE again.”
  • You celebrate the days, not always the dates.
  • You try to keep as many items as possible that you own tucked away in the black and yellow storage totes that take up an entire wall in your garage.
  • You’ve learned all sorts of skills like hanging curtains, filling up tires, spraying wasp nests and mowing the lawn.
  • Your worst nightmare is filling out a form that requires all past addresses.
  • Your heart can live in two time zones at once.
  • Your toddler calls the phone “Daddy.”
  • You literally answer every question with “it depends.”
  • You’re suspected of car theft because your car was purchased, registered and sold in three different states, all of which are different from the state on your driver’s license.
  • You’re repeatedly asked where you’d like to live next, and then you’re often sent to the precise opposite place.
  • You count down weeks by the number of trash nights left.
  • You stand awkwardly at the gas station pump because you can’t remember your new ZIP code.
  • You know your spouse’s social security number better than your own.
  • Your toddler will run up to any man in uniform thinking it’s Daddy.
  • Your PCM is booked up for approximately the next seven and a half months out.
  • You get confused by the question “Where are you from?” and you second-guess yourself whenever you use the word “home” — because what even is that?
  • Planning a baby at the perfect time is impossible.
  • “Home” in your GPS is three addresses ago (or is this just me?).

Anyway, I could go on forever. Whether you chuckled, nodded along or felt seen in a way only another military spouse can understand, these moments are ours. They’re the stories we carry, the humor we cling to and the proof that even in the uncertainty, we’re stronger than we ever expected to be.

If you know, you know. And if you don’t — now you do.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of health and wellness resources and tools tailored to your needs.

 

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