Kristi kissing her husband while her children sit on a plane’s steps

Retirement 101 for Military Spouses

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

We know by now that a career in the military isn’t like other careers. A career in the military doesn’t just impact one member of the family from 9 to 5; it comes home. In fact, it dictates where we call home, how long we can live there, where we go next, and through years of military life experiences, it shapes the lives of each military family member.

Transition Course

So, of course, when military retirement comes around, it is a family affair. Anticipating this, I didn’t put up a fight when my husband encouraged me to attend a transition seminar just for spouses. The Marine Corps calls it the Spouse Transition and Readiness Seminar, or STARS (because we love an acronym). I can’t speak for all branches, but I can confirm that Marines attend a mandatory, multiday separation brief, and Marine spouses have the option to attend a CliffsNotes version for a few hours.

I went into the seminar not really knowing what to expect and came away with a page full of notes, reminders and contacts. If you have space in your schedule, it can’t hurt to attend; it’s a way to get answers to any looming unknowns and catch tips about TRICARE, VA benefits, budgeting and moving that might not even be on your radar. This course was a great reminder that every family and situation is different — even as we all reach the same finish line. You probably have questions (I sure do). Ask them! And, as I was reminded in the seminar, base resources are still accessible even after your spouse is no longer active duty.

Kristi and her family outside smiling

(Civilian) Life Skills

I have mere months left of matching green boot socks. While I’m all too happy to hang up this skill that won’t translate to civilian spouse life, I know a few other things are about to change, and I’m not just talking about having BAH pried out of our white-knuckle grips and experiencing copays at the doctor’s office for all you current TRICARE Primers (my fellow select folks know that drill).

With the change in career for our spouses comes a change in everyone’s schedule. Maybe their schedule will become more predictable; maybe it won’t. Maybe they’ll be home more, maybe less, but one thing is certain: it will be an adjustment for the household, and with any adjustment comes the need for patience.

On top of schedule changes, there will be budgetary changes. As we mourn the loss of BAH, we can welcome retirement pay, potential disability pay and a new income (potentially two if you will also be reentering the workforce now that moving is a thing of the past). There will no longer be retention bonuses or special-duty payments to count on, and — depending on which state you call home — you may be facing state taxes for the first time in a while and tax on retirement pay for the first time ever. Paying close attention to the budget as your family makes the transition is crucial. There are plenty of tools that can help.

As we bid adieu to our state of residence driver’s license for a license where we actually live (I will not miss having to navigate that layer of confusion), and help our kids figure out what it looks like to no longer be a military kid, I continue to remind myself that while this change touches us all, one of us will feel it more than the rest — my husband, the actual retiring service member. His day-to-day will change drastically. No more flight suit onesies (and boot socks) every day. Some of the changes will be exciting, but it’s mostly foreign, which can lead to increased stress and losing sleep over the what-ifs. And, as salty as some service members can be by retirement, deep down, they still love the mission, the camaraderie and the sense of purpose behind their service. It’s hard to match that in the civilian world. Anyone who has worked an office job knows that it’s rare to find an officemate that becomes family; that’s definitely a characteristic of the military community.

All of this is to say that there may be a few bumps on the exit ramp to retirement. There may be anxiety, stress, a fair share of unknowns and much less green laundry (yay), but as military life has taught us well, change can be exciting. Face this change as a family; support each other and smile for that new driver’s license photo.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of retirement resources tailored to your needs.

Kristi and her family on a hike

Wise Beyond Their Years: An Unexpected Perk of Being a Military-Connected Kid

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

Before I got married and had two cool kids, I was a middle school English teacher. I was assigning book reports and grading essays. I was low-key panicking trying to figure out how to teach my son the ABCs. My brain could not compute how to teach a child the first layer of reading and writing.

Then, one glorious day, with absolutely no prompting or help from me, during a commercial break from late-morning television, he suddenly broke into song: “A, B, C, D…” He nailed it — all 26 letters. While I was losing sleep over how I would help him learn the alphabet, he taught himself (with a little help from his tablet and shows — one point for screen time).

I dust off this 12-year-old story to illustrate that our kids don’t only learn from us. They learn from their surroundings, their peers and everything in their world. The advantage military-connected kids have is that their worlds are wide, diverse and often challenging. Now that our kids are in middle school (and I’m much more comfortable helping with English homework), an age when they’re growing and changing physically and mentally, I can’t help but feel that they’re at the forefront of the maturity race, along with the other MilKids at their school.

Much like the ABCs, I don’t think this maturity comes from me. It’s shaped by moving every few years — leaving friends behind and making new ones. It’s about experiencing different cultures, whether that’s across the globe or from state to state. It’s prioritizing time and experiences over material things. It’s about stepping up and being brave when their dad had to be away from home. It’s understanding how precious family and life are and how quickly both can change. Of course, it’s about spending impressionable years with adults who treated them like honorary nieces and nephews.

Kristi’s children in front of a door smiling

If you don’t have a middle schooler at home and it’s been a while since you walked those halls, I’ll quickly refresh your memory. This is the time when kids are learning who their real friends are — some new ones are coming into the fold, while, as devastating as it can be, others are drifting away. Most are terrified of looking stupid or being excluded; FOMO (fear of missing out) is raging as wildly as hormones; and everything their parents or siblings do is humiliating.

Parent and child holding hands

Military-connected kids, including ours, are not exempt from any of this, but nearly every stereotypical middle school behavior is countered by something that makes me a proud mom.

Recognizing the new kid and befriending them — that’s something military-connected kids do, and I’m proud to say our kids do it too. Respecting different beliefs and cultures, embracing differences and tuning into others’ feelings aren’t always top of mind at that age. To be fair, many adults haven’t figured it out either. Military-connected kids exposed to diverse cultures and perspectives can get good at reading people. It’s a skill they develop every time they enter a new environment where they don’t know anyone, which can make them highly attuned to others.

Krisit’s daughter smiling at school

Our country likes to talk a lot about the struggles military-connected kids face and sure, those struggles are real. But they overcome each one, and they’re stronger on the other side.

In the last several weeks, I’ve been approached by both of our kids at different times and in different ways, but the complaint was essentially the same: This person or group of people is so annoying because [insert reason]. In both cases, I asked to hear more about the situation. If you have a middle schooler, you know that I had to be very sly with this investigation. After hearing the facts, it was clear to me in both cases that the issue was a maturity gap. Whether it’s someone not pulling their weight in a group project or coming to class unprepared and asking to borrow supplies every day. Whether it’s finding out someone said something hurtful about them or not being able to understand why someone would say something hurtful to another student, we’ve faced it all this school year. Each time, the question is always why. Why would someone do that? Why would someone act like that? Children that have had to learn to be responsible, that know what it feels like to be new and not have a single friend in the room, those kids are naturally going to mature faster than someone who hasn’t been challenged in the same ways.

Kristi’s son and a monkey

Kristi’s daughter posing in front of food

I often say that I’m jealous of our kids. They’ve had so many incredible experiences I never had just because they were born military-connected kids. It doesn’t come without its challenges, but that just leads to a whole other reason to be jealous of them. At almost 12 and freshly 14, they’re mentally tough, compassionate, independent, and they aren’t afraid to do the right thing or step into a completely foreign place. To my MilKids and yours, never forget that your challenges are becoming your strengths.

Kristi’s children outside

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of parenting resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Sydney’s children eating snacks

Solo Parenting Hacks

Written By Sydney Smith

Solo parenting seasons are a regular occurrence in the lives of military spouses — sometimes only for a few days, but sometimes they can last several months. Regardless of the duration, these times can be tough. They can challenge everything we ever knew about motherhood; and — as they stretch us about as thin as we can get — can bring out the very worst of us. We surely grow from these times, one way or another.

After almost eight years of being an Army spouse, I feel confident going into these stretches with my kids. I try to see each TDY or deployment as an opportunity to level up — finding new strategies and mindsets to carry me through the long days. Of course, I’d always rather have the company and help of my husband, but I’ve learned several things I can do to make life easier when he is away, and even simple joys I can look forward to.

Below, I will list some of my favorite hacks I use to survive these seasons. Most of them are things you can prepare for well in advance, so you’ll be equipped if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1. Prepare for the “curse.”

Scenario (based on a true story): Your husband must leave on another TDY. Just 10 days; you got this! It will be a breeze; 10 days is nothing compared to a 9-month deployment and the last two years of nonstop training exercises in the field.

But then he leaves. Immediately, your car battery dies, and two of your three children come down with the flu. You spend the next six days barely leaving the house, barely eating, barely sleeping, barely surviving. You think if you hear one more person cough, you might just run away forever and never come back. They finally recover, and you look forward to the normal week ahead. BAM! Child 3/3 goes down, almost like she planned it that way. Child #2, who is now recovered from the flu, breaks her wrist in a fluke accident in the playroom, and now you are taking all of your children to the emergency room by yourself because you refuse to leave them with anyone you love and trust, because you refuse to give anyone you love and trust the flu. You somehow survived all of that, and then a few days later, you get the worst UTI of your life and are back at the emergency room.

I’ve heard plenty of other stories like this. A friend who stepped on a nail that went an inch deep in her foot the day after her husband left. Another friend whose daughter ran into the stairwell and had to get staples in her head, and then this same friend threw out her back the day after and could barely function.

So, count on the curse. When your spouse leaves, things will go wrong. Have a plan and know who your people are, because you may very well need them.

2. Modify your routines.

This is perhaps my most practical self coming out here. Be a realist and ask yourself what is important. Do your kids really need a bath every single night? If you usually bathe them every other night, maybe change it to 1-2 times per week.

Start the bedtime routine earlier each evening. When you have half the help, it will take twice the time. So, by starting the kids’ bedtime routine early, you will get your kids to bed at the same time as normal. I also like to modify our bedtime routine, by putting my two oldest children to bed together. Instead of reading each book in their own rooms and doing separate prayers, I have them alternate each night. One night my son gets to pick the book, and we read in his bed and he says the prayer. The next night, my daughter gets to pick a book, and we read in her bed, and she says the prayer. This helps make bedtime more efficient, and kids have fun switching up the routine like this. My best advice is to make it as fun as possible!

One last routine change-up: Make the hour after dinner a sacred family time of resetting the house together. I recommend you start this routine as soon as possible so your kids know the drill. My kids know I expect more of them when their dad is gone, and they need to help pick up the house more than usual. I usually give them each a specific cleaning task (I will tell my son to clean up the magnetic tiles and my daughters to clean up the play food and baby dolls), and I monitor them while I tidy up the kitchen from dinner. When I’m done loading the dishes, I will help them finish tidying up the house. This makes my life so much simpler, and then I know once they are asleep, I can take a bit of time for myself to unwind and recharge, rather than tackle the entire house by myself. This routine will not only make your life easier, but it will also teach your children some responsibility and accountability.

3. Simplify your life.

Sometimes, it’s nice to embrace a little convenience, even if it means taking shortcuts that might cost a bit more or aren’t the most eco-friendly option. Whether it’s paper plates, prepackaged foods or frozen meals, we all have those moments where a bit of extra ease makes life smoother. A little extra screen time here and there can also help you recharge and balance everything on your plate.

Give yourself grace — it’s okay to enjoy the luxury of convenience when it makes you a more present and energized parent. After all, life is about finding what works best for you and your priorities. If being a present mom is your focus, those small shortcuts might just be the little help you need to stay connected and show up for your family without feeling overwhelmed.

4. Enjoy the little things.

I’m not going to tell you to love the times your spouse is gone. It’s not that. I’m telling you to find the things you enjoy when they are away so you aren’t just miserable the whole time. Find the positives to get you through.

I enjoy sleeping in the middle of our king bed in a pillow nest, going to bed whenever I want, and eating nine out of 10 meals from the air fryer. These are the first things that come to mind for me.

While things like a bedtime routine by yourself and not getting a break from the kids can make life feel harder during seasons of solo parenting, there is also a list of simple joys to be had. Don’t neglect that list!

5. Embark on projects.

That closet you’ve been wanting to organize. Those trips you’ve been wanting to plan. That piece you’ve been itching to write. That book you’ve been dying to read. This is your moment! Not only will it fill your cup doing some things you love to do, but it will also make the time pass more quickly waiting for your spouse to come back home.

These are just a few things that have helped me during periods of solo parenting, and I hope they can help you, too. Just a recap: Prepare for the unexpected. Give yourself grace. Simplify life in whatever ways you see fit. Find the positives. Take advantage of your free time. You got this, Momma!

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of parenting resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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