Do you remember the moment you first realized you were “head over heels” for the person you now call your spouse? A moment in time when you found yourself envisioning a life with them — what would they be like as a lifelong partner or as parents together? I remember feeling a flood of emotions when I realized I was crazy for a man in the Navy. I just wanted to be with him and figure the rest out later, and although we did just that, there are a few conversations I wish we had before life threw us curveballs.
To some, these conversations may seem like common sense. Although average, everyday things are just a little bit different when you throw being in the military into the mix. Finances, support, intimacy, communication and parenthood are topics we sometimes don’t realize we didn’t do justice to premaritally until we are faced with them down the road. It’s difficult to understand or navigate a deployment or unaccompanied tour until we are in it. It’s important to have a good, strong foundation. It makes readjusting a lot easier than if you are trying to come up with a plan on the fly.
Finances
When we lived in Virginia, I worked outside of the home because it suited our family, and I was able to save a substantial amount of my income, which we used as “family fun money.” Then we moved to California, and I completely underestimated the cost-of-living difference, causing us to run through our savings in just four months. This meant I had to go back to work sooner than expected, which meant finding daycare for my then-two-year-old and four-month-old. That in and of itself was stressful because the cost of daycare is substantially higher in California than at any of our previous duty stations. This forced us to ask the question: “Will I be working just to pay for daycare?” Learning how to make one income support a growing family is truly a learning curve, and the curve is sharp if you come at it too fast like we did. So, trust me when I say that financial transparency and literacy are definitely conversations you want to have premaritally and continuously as your relationship changes with time.
Support
Support can mean so many things, especially when our relationships have a long-distance component. I know I’m not the only one who’s ever heard the saying that it’s okay to grow and change as long as you grow and change together. That part is so true, especially in military life, because growth and change are inevitable. We have to purposefully put in the effort to make sure that we grow together while apart. Support plays a huge role in that — including emotional, physical, mental, financial, social, etc. Some duty stations are harder than others. For us, shore duty breathes life back into all the parts of our marriage.
Love and Intimacy
Love and intimacy are the core pillars of a marriage. As we move through life and our relationship evolves, we sometimes push those things onto the back burner. As priorities shift, we forget to pour into that part of our relationship. I once had to sit my husband down and tell him I missed my best friend. I missed having quality time with just the two of us. Ten years, three kids, an unaccompanied overseas tour and sea duty did not allow us to spend one-on-one time feeding our relationship. I never thought we would feel like strangers to each other, but we did. Learning from that time, we have insitituted mini-dates to spend time feeding our friendship, relationship and marriage as often as possible. It is worth the effort, and nothing to be taken for granted.
So fall head over heels in love. Take the leap of faith that it will all work out. Don’t leave it up to chance. But talk about the important things and truly communicate with one another in a way you both understand. And when life throws a curveball, hold onto the feeling you felt the first time you realized you were in love. It makes the hard times a little less hard and the pivot a little bit easier.
