It goes without saying that staying connected to your spouse during separations takes effort on both parts. If you’re like me, and your love language is “quality time,” then you are in for an extra challenge. How do you get quality time with your spouse when they’re overseas or gone for extended periods? Quality conversations might be possible here and there but are not often — and certainly not the same as genuine quality time.
After just shy of 10 years of Army life, my husband and I have discovered some better ways to stay in touch through our times apart, and while it’s never the same as being in the same room face-to-face, these things do help us stay better connected:
- Discuss expectations: Before parting, plan a time to talk with your spouse and allow each of you an opportunity to voice expectations regarding communication. For instance, if talking on the phone before bed each night is important to you, this should be voiced. If one spouse prefers not to text throughout the day in order to make phone calls richer, that should also be expressed. Discuss whether you will video or audio call, and which apps you will use for communications.
- Play phone games: This is one of our favorite creative ways to stay connected when we are apart. We will download word games and other multiplayer games on our phones that we can play with each other in our free time. This keeps a little healthy fun and lightheartedness in our marriage during a not-so-easy or fun time.
- Create a communication schedule (take into account time zones): During separations, you will often be in significantly different time zones (unless he happens to be on TDY in the states). Due to his specific job, when my husband deploys, he usually goes to the same place, so we can always rely on a 14–15-hour time difference (depending on daylight savings). Over time, we have learned to be patient for the first few weeks as my husband gets adjusted and situated in the area before we can count on a specific schedule for our communication. We are, of course, loose with this schedule because every day looks different for both of us. Typically, during this last deployment, my husband would call me every morning (before he went to sleep) and again at his lunchtime (when I was winding down in the evening). These were times designated for just us to connect. His other phone call, during dinner time (when he was waking up), was usually to say “hello” to the kids while I cooked dinner. This schedule works well for us for this particular time zone difference, and it was nice to be able to count on specific times of the day when we would talk, rather than waiting and wondering when the next time would be.
- Write each other letters: While it can seem unnecessary with instant communication available, there is still beauty in the tradition of letter writing. Sometimes feelings and words are just more eloquently expressed in a letter, and letters are long enough when you can take time to really get out anything that’s on your heart. If you’re feeling extra romantic and adventurous, you could even write poems or sappy love notes to one another through letters, just to keep a spark and keep both of you smiling from across oceans.
- Weekly check-ins: During deployments, my husband and I make it a habit on Sunday evenings to really connect. We take turns asking and answering a few questions that get us talking on a deeper level than “How was your day?” kind of stuff. Our list of questions is short and sweet but addresses a lot: “What was a high and low from your week?” “How can I serve/support you best this week?” “What’s something you wish I understood about what life is like for you right now?“ You and your spouse can, of course, pick and choose or add on to these questions with your own. You might like to change them up week to week, so it doesn’t get monotonous. Just do this in a way that suits you both best. Most importantly, you both need to be willing and committed. These check-in questions won’t be helpful if just one spouse is taking them seriously.
These are just a few of the ways my husband and I try to best stay connected when he is away, and I hope some of our wisdom can help others who are newer to separations or who are needing some ideas on how to “spice up their phone lives” when apart.
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