Solo parenting seasons are a regular occurrence in the lives of military spouses — sometimes only for a few days, but sometimes they can last several months. Regardless of the duration, these times can be tough. They can challenge everything we ever knew about motherhood; and — as they stretch us about as thin as we can get — can bring out the very worst of us. We surely grow from these times, one way or another.
After almost eight years of being an Army spouse, I feel confident going into these stretches with my kids. I try to see each TDY or deployment as an opportunity to level up — finding new strategies and mindsets to carry me through the long days. Of course, I’d always rather have the company and help of my husband, but I’ve learned several things I can do to make life easier when he is away, and even simple joys I can look forward to.
Below, I will list some of my favorite hacks I use to survive these seasons. Most of them are things you can prepare for well in advance, so you’ll be equipped if you find yourself in a similar situation.
1. Prepare for the “curse.”
Scenario (based on a true story): Your husband must leave on another TDY. Just 10 days; you got this! It will be a breeze; 10 days is nothing compared to a 9-month deployment and the last two years of nonstop training exercises in the field.
But then he leaves. Immediately, your car battery dies, and two of your three children come down with the flu. You spend the next six days barely leaving the house, barely eating, barely sleeping, barely surviving. You think if you hear one more person cough, you might just run away forever and never come back. They finally recover, and you look forward to the normal week ahead. BAM! Child 3/3 goes down, almost like she planned it that way. Child #2, who is now recovered from the flu, breaks her wrist in a fluke accident in the playroom, and now you are taking all of your children to the emergency room by yourself because you refuse to leave them with anyone you love and trust, because you refuse to give anyone you love and trust the flu. You somehow survived all of that, and then a few days later, you get the worst UTI of your life and are back at the emergency room.
I’ve heard plenty of other stories like this. A friend who stepped on a nail that went an inch deep in her foot the day after her husband left. Another friend whose daughter ran into the stairwell and had to get staples in her head, and then this same friend threw out her back the day after and could barely function.
So, count on the curse. When your spouse leaves, things will go wrong. Have a plan and know who your people are, because you may very well need them.
2. Modify your routines.
This is perhaps my most practical self coming out here. Be a realist and ask yourself what is important. Do your kids really need a bath every single night? If you usually bathe them every other night, maybe change it to 1-2 times per week.
Start the bedtime routine earlier each evening. When you have half the help, it will take twice the time. So, by starting the kids’ bedtime routine early, you will get your kids to bed at the same time as normal. I also like to modify our bedtime routine, by putting my two oldest children to bed together. Instead of reading each book in their own rooms and doing separate prayers, I have them alternate each night. One night my son gets to pick the book, and we read in his bed and he says the prayer. The next night, my daughter gets to pick a book, and we read in her bed, and she says the prayer. This helps make bedtime more efficient, and kids have fun switching up the routine like this. My best advice is to make it as fun as possible!
One last routine change-up: Make the hour after dinner a sacred family time of resetting the house together. I recommend you start this routine as soon as possible so your kids know the drill. My kids know I expect more of them when their dad is gone, and they need to help pick up the house more than usual. I usually give them each a specific cleaning task (I will tell my son to clean up the magnetic tiles and my daughters to clean up the play food and baby dolls), and I monitor them while I tidy up the kitchen from dinner. When I’m done loading the dishes, I will help them finish tidying up the house. This makes my life so much simpler, and then I know once they are asleep, I can take a bit of time for myself to unwind and recharge, rather than tackle the entire house by myself. This routine will not only make your life easier, but it will also teach your children some responsibility and accountability.
3. Simplify your life.
Sometimes, it’s nice to embrace a little convenience, even if it means taking shortcuts that might cost a bit more or aren’t the most eco-friendly option. Whether it’s paper plates, prepackaged foods or frozen meals, we all have those moments where a bit of extra ease makes life smoother. A little extra screen time here and there can also help you recharge and balance everything on your plate.
Give yourself grace — it’s okay to enjoy the luxury of convenience when it makes you a more present and energized parent. After all, life is about finding what works best for you and your priorities. If being a present mom is your focus, those small shortcuts might just be the little help you need to stay connected and show up for your family without feeling overwhelmed.
4. Enjoy the little things.
I’m not going to tell you to love the times your spouse is gone. It’s not that. I’m telling you to find the things you enjoy when they are away so you aren’t just miserable the whole time. Find the positives to get you through.
I enjoy sleeping in the middle of our king bed in a pillow nest, going to bed whenever I want, and eating nine out of 10 meals from the air fryer. These are the first things that come to mind for me.
While things like a bedtime routine by yourself and not getting a break from the kids can make life feel harder during seasons of solo parenting, there is also a list of simple joys to be had. Don’t neglect that list!
5. Embark on projects.
That closet you’ve been wanting to organize. Those trips you’ve been wanting to plan. That piece you’ve been itching to write. That book you’ve been dying to read. This is your moment! Not only will it fill your cup doing some things you love to do, but it will also make the time pass more quickly waiting for your spouse to come back home.
These are just a few things that have helped me during periods of solo parenting, and I hope they can help you, too. Just a recap: Prepare for the unexpected. Give yourself grace. Simplify life in whatever ways you see fit. Find the positives. Take advantage of your free time. You got this, Momma!
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