When Military Life Means Missing Family Events

Some people are lucky to live at a duty station close to the town where they grew up, with the support of family and friends nearby. However, for many military families, traveling “back home” might involve days of travel by car or crossing several time zones by plane. It isn’t always possible to return home for holidays, celebrations, or milestone events like weddings, graduations or funerals. Whether the service member is limited by their available leave dates, or the family is limited by the financial cost of a trip, the ability to travel for a family invitation is not always an option.

So, what options do you have when you get those invitations and aren’t able to go?

During my husband’s 22 years of military service, I have had to miss numerous family events and activities. Like many military families, I had to make difficult decisions not to attend some of my cousin’s weddings and a few funerals. When my siblings graduated from college, started dating significant others, or wanted to celebrate moving into a new home, I couldn’t be there with them. We missed holiday get-togethers, family parties, birthdays, anniversaries and similar milestones. You can probably relate to the frustration of feeling unable to fully participate in family events because of the restrictions of military life.

Although it is heartbreaking to feel distant from family when you want to be involved, there are ways to maintain feelings of connection across the distance. For military families struggling with the challenge of living far from family and feeling left out of major celebrations, here are some ways to maintain connection:

1. Be part of it, even if you can’t be there. Even when you’re living on the other side of the world, there are ways to use technology to stay connected. Whether you do a video call to congratulate the bride and groom or a phone call to shout “Merry Christmas!” to your grandparents, find a way to check in with family members when you know they are all attending an event together. It’s important to see people and hear their voices to feel connected across the distance.
2. Check out the photos. Major events like graduations or weddings are part of a family’s collective memory. If you can’t attend, you may continue to feel left out for years when people bring up that milestone. Ask those who are attending to send you pictures and updates during or after the event. Or look on social media for those images. Looking at pictures forms a visual memory you can draw from in future conversations to feel connected.
3. Send gifts or cards. When you can’t make it in person for holidays and celebrations, send a card with a heartfelt message for your family members. Or have gifts shipped so you will still be participating and part of people’s thoughts and conversations. If you can’t choose a personal gift, consider a gift basket, flowers or other appropriate gift to mark the event.
4. Sometimes, you must divide and conquer. It may not be financially possible for your spouse and kids to travel home with you for a major family event. Remember that even if the service member can’t get leave dates approved, you may be able to travel solo. Or perhaps you can travel with just one child instead of several. Any attempt to be present with family will be appreciated. If you can’t achieve the ideal situation of traveling with your spouse, consider other possible alternatives and see if someone can participate in representing your family.
5. Plan for the next event. You may feel sad and frustrated when you can’t make it home for a holiday or milestone event. It’s a difficult challenge of military life and one without an easy solution. Make the bitter situation a little sweeter by planning to visit or connect in the future. If you can’t attend the wedding, will you see everyone on the next holiday? If you can’t travel home this winter, can you start planning a summer trip? Making tangible plans can help ease your mind when feeling disconnected or alone.

There will be many times when military life interferes with your plans to visit family or celebrate events together. Even when you can’t attend in person, consider these alternatives to help you feel connected to those you love. Sometimes, compromising can be a satisfying way to make the most of a challenging situation.