The 15-minute car ride home from middle school every afternoon is unpredictable. Are we going to drive in absolute silence after seven hours of overstimulation? Will I be on the receiving end of misdirected frustration? Will it be a vent session? Or, my personal favorite, will I get the semi-regular social update — cringeworthy moments, cliques, crushes and couples?
These four Cs are at the center of the teenage universe. They can drive decision-making, shape personalities during this incredibly impressionable time, even influence appearance. Talking about them with anyone — especially someone as lame as a parent — is vulnerable. That’s why, as a teen, I didn’t talk about these things at home. That’s also why I feel proud and privileged when our kids share these things with me.
It wasn’t until this year that things started to get interesting on the dating front at our house. Previously, young “love” interests just held our (then) 4-year-old son’s hand on the soccer field or picked our (then) kindergartner daughter some flowers. I try my best to listen (and control my face) when I hear about breakups, flirting, new couples and all the drama in between. Occasionally, I hear so-and-so and so-and-so are “going out.” Where are they going? They’re 13. And, when I do offer advice, it’s realistic — none of this pie-in-the-sky stuff that worked like a charm in a 90s sitcom but has no place in the real world.
The advice I give our kids varies depending on the circumstances — and my advice to you as a parent helping a teen navigate dating or just the social scene in general is to always get context and know the cast of characters. At the heart of any advice though, there are two key themes: kindness and confidence, and here are just a few ways I’ve explained them to our kids.
Kindness
This is that notorious golden rule coming back around. It’s amazing how just prioritizing kindness can simplify this whole scary world of teen dating:
- Don’t be that guy (or girl). If someone bares their feelings to you, even if you don’t feel the same, understand how much courage it takes to do that. Be gentle with other people’s hearts.
- Get what you give. People who say they care about you should be kind to you, respect you and support you.
Confidence
Confidence in dating is the flipside of the kindness coin:
- Say something. Have the courage to say the things you feel, whether that’s, “I like you,” or “I’m sorry,” or simply, “No.” These things are not at all easy to say, but having the confidence to say them is better than the pressure of containing them.
- Know your worth. You’re amazing. Don’t put up with people who make you feel less than that. Have the confidence to walk away from a bad fit, anything remotely toxic or a relationship you’ve outgrown.
Bonus: Honesty
Just as I continue to bang the kindness and confidence drums, I also constantly reinforce honesty — with themselves and with me. If there is a situation they don’t know how to navigate, we can figure it out together. If they have a gut feeling about a person or relationship, I want them to listen to it and trust it.
And, while the idea of letting them learn the ropes of relationships and — inevitably — heartbreak is downright terrifying, our kids have a captive audience in me. We’ll navigate these uncharted waters together. I promise to keep the life lectures and awkwardness to a minimum if they promise to keep talking.
