Two young children play on a playground structure, one helping the other up the stairs near a slide

Service Among Spouses

Written By Lauren Hagee Glintz

The most challenging 12 months of my life began in the summer of 2024, the final year at our duty station in Yuma, Arizona. I was newly pregnant after a traumatic loss just a few months before, leaving me anxious and sick. My full-time, high-intensity job didn’t make things any easier. When I wasn’t at work, my 3-year-old, the chaotic joy that he is, demanded all my attention and what little energy I had.

Interior of a partially renovated room with exposed wall studs, concrete floor and visible wiring

One day, I noticed our wood floors were buckling. Within a week, a massive HVAC leak was discovered. The floors were ripped up, a wall was torn down, and our house was fumigated. Then began the conflict-riddled renovation. We moved into a hotel room just in time for the fall Marine Corps Weapons and Tactics Instructor course to begin. For two months, my instructor husband belonged completely to WTI, coming home only to sleep. I was on my own to deal with it all.

In stepped Katy.

Katy was married to another WTI instructor, and our sons were in the same base day care class. We were friendly; our families spent an RV Thanksgiving together, but we were still getting to know each other. I confided in her what was going on. What happened next felt organic, but in hindsight, it’s clear Katy came to my rescue.

She asked if she could pick up my son around 3 p.m., two hours earlier than I could leave work, so the boys could play at the neighborhood playground.

When I finally arrived, Katy suggested we hang out for a bit. Then she said I should stay for dinner since our husbands weren’t around anyway. Before I knew it, she was handing me a container of chicken soup to take back with me.

When I tried to thank her and apologize for not being able to reciprocate, since my house was in shambles, she waved me off. She explained that when she had two tiny kids, other military spouses helped her.

We started doing this multiple times a week. I’d show up at Katy’s house to find her and the kids at the playground or building a fort in her living room. I’d unload the dishwasher (her least favorite chore) while she made dinner, chatting away to the soundtrack of our kids’ laughter.

One day, she decided to make tacos for all the WTI moms who usually came to the playground. I helped her carry a crockpot of taco meat, bags of chips and all the fixings to the picnic table. She saved a whole group of us from facing dinner and cleanup on our own. When spring WTI rolled around with me big and pregnant and developing shingles (my daughter was born the day after WTI graduation — talk about timing), Katy again brought me into her home. Throughout a hard year, she provided a daily bright spot.

At the time I befriended Katy, I’d only been in the military spouse community for four years. Between the pandemic and our assignment in Yuma to a nontraditional, nonoperational squadron, I’d only met a handful of military spouses, so I was still very much learning what it even meant to be a military spouse. I certainly knew about military service, but Katy showed me military spouse service. Manning the homefront isn’t just getting your family through hard times, it’s helping others as well.

Now at our new duty station, I’ve found that Katy, while remarkably selfless, is not actually a unicorn. Military spouses quietly serve each other every day. When my husband was unexpectedly gone for several weeks after Christmas, a new military spouse friend volunteered to sit with my baby so I could take an hour for myself. I see another friend, the commanding officer’s wife, provide the first meal train meal for every new baby under her husband’s command.

I still feel in the trenches of early motherhood and likely receive more service than I can give, but I’ve learned to watch where I can step in — to pick up a friend’s child from pre-K or host a chili night while our husbands travel. The service may look simple to outsiders, but for military spouses, we know the effect is immeasurable.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness and connection. Explore a range of resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Tips for Introverted Military Spouses | Blog Brigade

The Introvert Military Spouse’s Guide to Avoiding Burnout

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

I attended kindergarten with the same people I graduated with. I went to college in the same city. I rarely (if ever) had to get out of my social comfort zone to make friends, and I certainly have never been one to venture out of that comfort zone voluntarily.

No. Thank. You.

You can probably see where this is going. That first PCS was quite a social experiment. I was far from home, my husband quickly deployed, and I had a pretty clear (and mostly incorrect) understanding of what a military spouse was supposed to be socially. I needed to make myself outgoing.

I don’t recommend doing that, so don’t stop reading just yet. I made some incredible friends who I couldn’t have done that first tour without, but it didn’t take me long to realize I couldn’t keep up with their social pace. Eventually, I’d skip out on lunch meetups, group walks and girls’ nights when my social battery just couldn’t take it.

I was burning myself out trying to make myself something I’m just not. Eventually, those friends got the message (probably before I figured it out myself). They realized I needed a day between socializing and didn’t read into it when I turned down plans.

Kristi and her daughter smiling outside a building, her daughter holding a colorful bouquet of flowers

I’ve learned a lot about myself since that first tour, including some survival tips for any fellow introverts trying to make it in an extrovert lifestyle:

  • Don’t fly solo on day one. Join your spouse for a unit event. Bring your kids to a family-friendly event. Take your dog to the dog park. Convince a friend from a previous duty station to join you for a spouse function. Socializing (for me at least) is much less intimidating when I know someone in the room.
  • Make recharge days mandatory. The military has mandatory fun, and you (fellow introvert) and I have mandatory recharge days. After a particularly social Saturday, you’ll find me cozy at home on Sunday. You can try to invite me to Sunday brunch — and I appreciate the invitation — but it’s a no from me.
  • Adopt an extrovert. Or, rather, get adopted by an extrovert. While it’s never something I set out to do, I always ended up with extrovert friends at every duty station. Probably because no introvert is out striking up conversations with strangers.
  • Lean in and step up. There is never (ever) a shortage of opportunities to volunteer as a military spouse. Join a service organization, volunteer to serve on a committee or attend a service-centric social. Just as kids’ parties move along a little faster with an activity, situations focused on something other than socializing can alleviate a lot of pressure. This also works for clubs — the idea of facing an installation-wide spouse club makes my palms start sweating, but venturing into a smaller group, such as a book club or walking club, seems doable. Fewer people and an activity to drive conversation — it’s a win-win.
  • Use social media (with caution). Love it or hate it, social media is thriving, especially within the military network. Installations pass along information, and there are spouse groups, buy-sell-trade groups, and the list goes on. While this can be a way to meet new people, like anything else on the internet, please use caution, especially when sharing information such as your location, phone number, spouse’s unit, etc. Most military-connected groups that I’ve seen have security measures in place, but extra caution is always a good idea.

Kristi outdoors holding a wheelbarrow, standing near a pile of yard debris and greenery

With age, I’ve realized there is no “mold” for a military spouse. There are all kinds of personalities in the mix. Fellow introvert, save yourself the trouble of trying to be something you’re not. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin will increase your value at any duty station, in any friend group and, most importantly, with yourself. Separately, from my own quiet, comfy home, I am cheering for you!

Kristi and her husband posing together indoors

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.

Foil-covered casserole dish on a countertop with a handwritten note that reads, “for when you just can’t even cook dinner”

Practical Ways to Help a Military Spouse

Written By Sydney Smith

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

I’ve heard this countless times over the last eight years — words offered with kindness, but usually without substance. When someone is overwhelmed, they often don’t know what to ask for. I’ve been that person more times than I can count. And admittedly I’ve also been the one who’s said those same words. They’re easy to offer: a safe blend of noncommittal compassion.

As things ramp up in the world and I find myself, as well as friends, experiencing increasing stressors relating to military life, I want to share a few practical ways to support a military spouse — ways that go beyond simply asking what they need. If you genuinely want to help, you likely won’t get an answer  anyway. Instead, you’ll need to anticipate their needs.

  1. Provide a meal. If it’s a neighbor, cook a little extra and send a few plates over. If it’s someone you work with, double your dinner and prepare in disposable aluminum pans you can take to your friend the next day. If you can’t find the right food to make or time to bring food, send over a meal delivery or restaurant gift card with a thoughtful note such as: “For when you just can’t even cook dinner.”
  2. Bring a treat. Drop off their favorite coffee drink on the way home from running errands. If it’s a holiday and they’re alone, drop off donuts and a card so they don’t feel forgotten. Drop off items to make ice cream sundaes with the kids as a fun distraction from reality.
  3. Take the kids. Offer to take the kids to the playground one afternoon or come over and supervise a popsicle backyard date or pizza movie lunch while they take a nap upstairs. If practical, offer to take over one school pickup or drop off each week.
  4. Provide company and connection. Ask your friend to get coffee one afternoon while your spouse or babysitter keeps the kids. Ask if they’d like to walk once a week. Call (actually call, not text) on a random Saturday and ask how they’re doing (and when they say “fine,” ask how they’re really doing). Invite your friend over for dinner or breakfast or out to lunch after church. If they’ve been without their spouse for too long, they probably crave adult conversation more than just about anything.
  5. Run an errand. Ask if you can grab some staples while you’re at the wholesale store or grab any items while running other miscellaneous errands. Do a curbside pickup for your friend. If they or the kids are sick, bring over some ginger ale and chicken noodle soup. If you want to get creative, make a little “sick basket” full of throat soothing lollipops, immunity boosting tablets, vapor nose sticks, throat soothing tea and honey, cough drops, and whatever else you can think of. Offer to pick up medications.
  6. Do a chore. Tell your friend to leave a basket of dirty laundry on the porch. Take it home and wash and fold and return it. Next time you’re over, take out the trash and unload (or load) the dishwasher. Take their car to get washed (and vacuum it out!).
  7. Enlist your spouse (if available): If your spouse is home, available and willing to help, you can ask them to do a few tasks around the house for your friend. For instance, if you’re neighbors, your spouse could commit to taking your friend’s trash to the curb every trash night or mowing their lawn or repairing something that needs fixing. Most military members I know would bend over backward for a military spouse who is alone because they know how much they would appreciate someone helping their own spouse.

Whether you’re putting something onto your friend’s plate (such as bringing a meal), or taking something off their plate, the best way to help a military spouse is by making them feel thought of without them asking for help. These thoughtful, intentional acts of kindness will help your friend feel truly supported and remind them how fortunate they are to have a friend like you – someone who stands out from the crowd of well-meaning but vague offers to help.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.

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