Tips for Introverted Military Spouses | Blog Brigade

The Introvert Military Spouse’s Guide to Avoiding Burnout

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

I attended kindergarten with the same people I graduated with. I went to college in the same city. I rarely (if ever) had to get out of my social comfort zone to make friends, and I certainly have never been one to venture out of that comfort zone voluntarily.

No. Thank. You.

You can probably see where this is going. That first PCS was quite a social experiment. I was far from home, my husband quickly deployed, and I had a pretty clear (and mostly incorrect) understanding of what a military spouse was supposed to be socially. I needed to make myself outgoing.

I don’t recommend doing that, so don’t stop reading just yet. I made some incredible friends who I couldn’t have done that first tour without, but it didn’t take me long to realize I couldn’t keep up with their social pace. Eventually, I’d skip out on lunch meetups, group walks and girls’ nights when my social battery just couldn’t take it.

I was burning myself out trying to make myself something I’m just not. Eventually, those friends got the message (probably before I figured it out myself). They realized I needed a day between socializing and didn’t read into it when I turned down plans.

Kristi and her daughter smiling outside a building, her daughter holding a colorful bouquet of flowers

I’ve learned a lot about myself since that first tour, including some survival tips for any fellow introverts trying to make it in an extrovert lifestyle:

  • Don’t fly solo on day one. Join your spouse for a unit event. Bring your kids to a family-friendly event. Take your dog to the dog park. Convince a friend from a previous duty station to join you for a spouse function. Socializing (for me at least) is much less intimidating when I know someone in the room.
  • Make recharge days mandatory. The military has mandatory fun, and you (fellow introvert) and I have mandatory recharge days. After a particularly social Saturday, you’ll find me cozy at home on Sunday. You can try to invite me to Sunday brunch — and I appreciate the invitation — but it’s a no from me.
  • Adopt an extrovert. Or, rather, get adopted by an extrovert. While it’s never something I set out to do, I always ended up with extrovert friends at every duty station. Probably because no introvert is out striking up conversations with strangers.
  • Lean in and step up. There is never (ever) a shortage of opportunities to volunteer as a military spouse. Join a service organization, volunteer to serve on a committee or attend a service-centric social. Just as kids’ parties move along a little faster with an activity, situations focused on something other than socializing can alleviate a lot of pressure. This also works for clubs — the idea of facing an installation-wide spouse club makes my palms start sweating, but venturing into a smaller group, such as a book club or walking club, seems doable. Fewer people and an activity to drive conversation — it’s a win-win.
  • Use social media (with caution). Love it or hate it, social media is thriving, especially within the military network. Installations pass along information, and there are spouse groups, buy-sell-trade groups, and the list goes on. While this can be a way to meet new people, like anything else on the internet, please use caution, especially when sharing information such as your location, phone number, spouse’s unit, etc. Most military-connected groups that I’ve seen have security measures in place, but extra caution is always a good idea.

Kristi outdoors holding a wheelbarrow, standing near a pile of yard debris and greenery

With age, I’ve realized there is no “mold” for a military spouse. There are all kinds of personalities in the mix. Fellow introvert, save yourself the trouble of trying to be something you’re not. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin will increase your value at any duty station, in any friend group and, most importantly, with yourself. Separately, from my own quiet, comfy home, I am cheering for you!

Kristi and her husband posing together indoors

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.

Foil-covered casserole dish on a countertop with a handwritten note that reads, “for when you just can’t even cook dinner”

Practical Ways to Help a Military Spouse

Written By Sydney Smith

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

I’ve heard this countless times over the last eight years — words offered with kindness, but usually without substance. When someone is overwhelmed, they often don’t know what to ask for. I’ve been that person more times than I can count. And admittedly I’ve also been the one who’s said those same words. They’re easy to offer: a safe blend of noncommittal compassion.

As things ramp up in the world and I find myself, as well as friends, experiencing increasing stressors relating to military life, I want to share a few practical ways to support a military spouse — ways that go beyond simply asking what they need. If you genuinely want to help, you likely won’t get an answer  anyway. Instead, you’ll need to anticipate their needs.

  1. Provide a meal. If it’s a neighbor, cook a little extra and send a few plates over. If it’s someone you work with, double your dinner and prepare in disposable aluminum pans you can take to your friend the next day. If you can’t find the right food to make or time to bring food, send over a meal delivery or restaurant gift card with a thoughtful note such as: “For when you just can’t even cook dinner.”
  2. Bring a treat. Drop off their favorite coffee drink on the way home from running errands. If it’s a holiday and they’re alone, drop off donuts and a card so they don’t feel forgotten. Drop off items to make ice cream sundaes with the kids as a fun distraction from reality.
  3. Take the kids. Offer to take the kids to the playground one afternoon or come over and supervise a popsicle backyard date or pizza movie lunch while they take a nap upstairs. If practical, offer to take over one school pickup or drop off each week.
  4. Provide company and connection. Ask your friend to get coffee one afternoon while your spouse or babysitter keeps the kids. Ask if they’d like to walk once a week. Call (actually call, not text) on a random Saturday and ask how they’re doing (and when they say “fine,” ask how they’re really doing). Invite your friend over for dinner or breakfast or out to lunch after church. If they’ve been without their spouse for too long, they probably crave adult conversation more than just about anything.
  5. Run an errand. Ask if you can grab some staples while you’re at the wholesale store or grab any items while running other miscellaneous errands. Do a curbside pickup for your friend. If they or the kids are sick, bring over some ginger ale and chicken noodle soup. If you want to get creative, make a little “sick basket” full of throat soothing lollipops, immunity boosting tablets, vapor nose sticks, throat soothing tea and honey, cough drops, and whatever else you can think of. Offer to pick up medications.
  6. Do a chore. Tell your friend to leave a basket of dirty laundry on the porch. Take it home and wash and fold and return it. Next time you’re over, take out the trash and unload (or load) the dishwasher. Take their car to get washed (and vacuum it out!).
  7. Enlist your spouse (if available): If your spouse is home, available and willing to help, you can ask them to do a few tasks around the house for your friend. For instance, if you’re neighbors, your spouse could commit to taking your friend’s trash to the curb every trash night or mowing their lawn or repairing something that needs fixing. Most military members I know would bend over backward for a military spouse who is alone because they know how much they would appreciate someone helping their own spouse.

Whether you’re putting something onto your friend’s plate (such as bringing a meal), or taking something off their plate, the best way to help a military spouse is by making them feel thought of without them asking for help. These thoughtful, intentional acts of kindness will help your friend feel truly supported and remind them how fortunate they are to have a friend like you – someone who stands out from the crowd of well-meaning but vague offers to help.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of mental health resources tailored to your needs.

Palm trees sway above a lush coastline with blue ocean waves under a clear sky

Don’t Forget About Military Recreation Areas

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

We talk a lot about benefits in the military community. That little piece of laminated paper — the DOW ID card (or common access card for service members) — is a ticket to access U.S. installations, commissaries, exchanges, military treatment facilities and in-network TRICARE providers.

Kristi’s children, in jackets, stand beside red columns in a walkway, smiling at the camera

Because we don’t vacation as often as we grocery shop — a real shame, if you ask me — military lodging and recreation areas aren’t necessarily top of mind. But do you know what they are? They’re everywhere — from coast to coast, and in Europe and Asia. They’re also much cheaper than most comparable options.

They tend to book up well in advance for the people who, unlike me, remember they exist before making travel arrangements, and they’re just as much a military benefit as the commissary. Now is a great time to look ahead to see what is available this winter — or even next summer. Who knows, you might even luck out and find availability this summer.

Let’s break down the available options. As someone who has retired from a short camping career, we’ll start with hotels.

Crowded city crosswalk filled with pedestrians, surrounded by tall buildings and large digital billboards

Hotels and Resorts

During our Japan tour, we were fortunate enough to stay at beautiful hotels in Tokyo and Seoul. Both blew my expectations out of the water because up to that point, I’d only been exposed to the Inns of the Corps (temporary lodging facilities).

Nothing against those facilities, but they aren’t designed to compare to resorts or luxury hotels, and my only stays were weeks long while awaiting housing or the Patriot Express. None of those stays were particularly relaxing.

Many people are familiar with a popular military resort in Orlando. Anyone who has been stationed in Europe likely knows a well-known lodge there. It’s on my to-do list, don’t worry. There’s also a beautiful military resort in Oahu where I stayed for a family reunion in paradise while I was in college. Please don’t ask me how long ago that was, but I feel confident saying it’s probably still just as lovely.

Kristi’s child, in a green outfit, runs and jumps into ocean waves on a sandy beach

“Glamp” Grounds

What’s the difference between a glamping campground and a traditional campground? According to me (and maybe only me): walls and amenities. Though we didn’t get the chance to visit (thanks, COVID), I’ve heard great things about the campground in northern Okinawa, Japan.

There are individual furnished cabins and a spa, which is really the only camping I’ll entertain. I’d put a military recreation spot in Seward, Alaska, in the glamping category — you can snag a motel room, suite or cabin — but they lose me at yurts and tents. If that’s your cup of tea, more power to you!

Kristi’s family stands by a calm river in a wooded area with green trees

Campgrounds

Camping isn’t for me, but it is the way to go for many people! And there are plenty of spots to pitch a tent or hook up an RV. Many campgrounds offer access to outdoor activities such as boating, kayaking, fishing and the conveniences of an installation, including the commissary and exchange.

Search your state for a staycation or somewhere you’ve always wanted to go through MWR’s Best Kept Secrets around the nation.

Empty playground swing hanging still with blurred park equipment in the background

Fun for the Day

Maybe you can’t work a full vacation into your schedule, but your installation’s MWR might have something to help you make the most of a weekend or holiday break. Avoid crowds by spending the day at on-installation marinas, beaches, golf courses, movie theaters or parks. You can likely rent any equipment you might need and reserve picnic areas, pavilions or cabanas.

Not sure if these facilities are open to you? Service branch doesn’t matter. If you are active duty, in the reserve, or National Guard, a military family member, a retiree, a disabled veteran, a DOW civilian or a Purple Heart recipient, these spots are a benefit you earned.

PCS orders aren’t the only way military service shows you the world — these spots around the globe are the perfect backdrop for making memories with family and friends.

Kristi and her two children stand on a grassy golf course holding golf clubs, smiling outdoors

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness and connection. Explore a range of Morale, Welfare and Recreation resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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