Couple sitting on beach together

Finding My Bravery as a Military Spouse

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When you take your vows as a military spouse, they should add “and anywhere in the world” after the “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer” part. Moves are an integral part of the military lifestyle, and while there is support and lots of resources out there, nothing can quite prepare you for the resilience, patience and humor you’ll need to move to the other side of the world.

We have been living in Guam for a year now, but I, like almost everyone I’ve talked to, initially had very little idea where Guam was. I had very little idea what starting over on a small island in the middle of the Pacific would look like. I knew I had my best friend with me and that, at least, was a start.

I spent hours watching videos, reading blog posts, scouring housing websites, and applying for teaching jobs, doing my best to hit the ground running and make our first OCONUS duty station feel like home. I had never lived more than a short flight or feasible drive away from my family, and I was leaving behind a solid job, a close-knit community, a region I had come to know and love well, and the sense of comfort, confidence, and security I had built from developing a network over the years. Transitioning to spending two years somewhere that most people can’t find on a map was nothing short of anxiety-inducing and there were days before, during, and after the move that I cried with frustration, uncertainty, and, most of all, homesickness.

Despite the stress, or perhaps because of it, I began to grow. I could not rely on the network I knew and loved, so I had to step up to the plate to become the problem solver, the fixer, the crisis manager. I found a job that challenged me every day but fulfilled me and pushed me to develop more as an educator in new ways. We found a house, cars and created new routines. We learned to anticipate and brace for new kinds of weather and to embrace and love the beauty of the beaches, palm trees and tropical flowers. We found friends that invited us to barbecues and birthday parties. I found places to volunteer and to meaningfully spend my time.

I have grown accustomed to the geckos that love to live in our shower and the carabao and wild pigs that you can spot on the sides of the road. I will never get used to the spiders the size of my hand, the seven-foot-long snakes or the monitor lizards. I have experienced earthquakes, a tsunami advisory and typhoon season. I have also seen brilliant sunsets that take your breath away, rainbows that look like hope and butterflies that spark joy.

There have been lonely nights and nights filled with such fun and fellowship that they stretch on for hours. There have been days when the distance between us and home feels enormous and days where video calls feel like they can bridge the gap. Both realities are true. I wish I could show the Katie of a year ago that it gets better, that it will all work out, that I’m stronger than I know. I’ll shout it for you too as you unpack your moving boxes for the first, fifth or final time. I’ll shout it for you as you search for jobs, friends and community. I’ll shout it for you as you get in your car or board that plane. I promise you, you got this.

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, writer, and former English teacher. She reads voraciously, enjoys volunteering, loves to bake, and looks forward to weekly trivia nights with friends. Katie writes book reviews and travel recommendations on her blog, Katie Reads.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of moving resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Stacked furniture in a room, including white chairs, a glass-front cabinet and boxed home items

17 PCS Tips From 17 Years of Moving

Written By Kristi Stolzenberg

Before washing a flight suit, it’s important to check all the pockets for pens, papers, covers, CACs and ear plugs. Your service member’s Social Security number is your lifeline — memorize it. Always tip the commissary baggers.

There are certain things military life teaches you. Those are just a few of the things I’ve learned, but they’re not necessarily things I can take with me after my husband retires. So, since I can’t take them with me, I might as well leave them here for you, along with these 17 PCS tips I picked up during our 17 years of moving.

Two kids in aprons baking at a kitchen table with flour, bowls and dough in front of them Young girl with crossed arms frowns over a packing station with paper rolls, a mallet and kitchen in background

  1. Purge before you pack. There is nothing quite like the anticipation of slicing open a cardboard box in your new home only to find something you wish you tossed before the move. That sensation will squash even the most intense unpacking momentum. So, before the movers come, clean out the kids’ rooms, inventory the closet and garage, and part with the things you no longer want or need. Pro tip from me to you: You won’t reuse those curtains. I can almost guarantee it.
  2. Keep it until the very end. Unlike small items that can easily tag along to your new duty station, larger items don’t always make the cut. It can still be helpful (and much more comfortable) to keep a few kitchen essentials or pieces of furniture until after pack out. This is especially useful if you’ll be spending a few nights in an otherwise empty house. Then, when you’re ready to leave, simply throw the items away (which may require a call for a bulk pickup) or drop them off at a donation center. Because who wants to eat dinner on the floor when you could sit in a chair?
  3. Decide as soon as orders are in hand (not a moment sooner). Don’t get excited and start booking hotels on verbal orders. Once orders are in hand, make your (refundable or cancelable) travel arrangements, and get to work on finding housing at your destination — whether that is getting on a base waiting list, signing a lease or looking for a place to buy or build. That whole “moving season” is real. Hotels fill up quickly when orders start to drop, and housing can get competitive.
  4. Make a move binder. Store key documents here, like birth and marriage certificates, orders, passports, transcripts, medical records, move paperwork, leases, etc., and keep it with you throughout the move.
  5. Prep like the movers will pack everything…because they will. If I teach you nothing else, don’t forget to empty (and clean out) your trash cans before the movers arrive. They can and will pack a full trash can. Take mirrors and photos off the wall and group like items together to prevent creativity in filling boxes. One of the few things movers won’t pack are liquids. Be sure to empty coffee makers, irons and any pet dishes that need to be packed.
  6. Raid your refrigerator (and pantry). If your refrigerator will be joining you in your new home, make sure it is clean, empty and unplugged. Even if it’s staying put, be sure to pull out any dishes that need to be packed. Non-perishable foods can typically be packed, but there may be exceptions for OCONUS moves or PCSs that include a long layover in storage. Keep in mind, though, nothing is airtight or climate controlled, so spices will get cakey, and pests can be an issue. My advice: Try to use up the ingredients you have in the weeks leading up to your move to minimize food waste. Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to be as mundane as it sounds. When leaving California, we ended up with a ton of flour and sugar, so the kids and I made cinnamon rolls. Try different recipes, and if you have extras, share with neighbors or your spouse’s unit.
  7. If it’s valuable, take the extra step. If you decide to pack your spices, go the extra mile and seal them in plastic bags or an airtight container. It’s not foolproof, but it’s another layer of protection. For all those priceless items in your house (monetarily valuable or not), you can pack those yourself with extra care, seal them up in boxes or bins, tape them closed, and label them “PBO: Packed by Owner.” This prevents the movers from opening the box to repack the contents. If you’re leaving things to the movers but don’t want to risk staining, snagging or having to rewash items, I recommend storing cutlery and utensils in plastic bags, sealing pillows, linens, and folded clothing in vacuum seal bags, and tying trash bags around hanging clothing.
  8. Set aside what you need with you. Look, these professional movers move quickly. We’ve already established that they will pack anything. When you have a crew working in different parts of the house, it’s impossible to be around to identify what and what not to pack. If you’re able, identify a closet, bathroom or other small room to hold all the items you do not want packed (suitcases, toiletries, purses, wallets, car keys, medications, etc.). Keep the door closed with a “Do Not Pack” sign on the door. If that isn’t possible, keep those items with you or put them in your car. For things you don’t want to move (like the food in the pantry or the coffee maker that is probably plugged in and working overtime), label them with a sticky note saying, “Do Not Pack.”
  9. Be kind to your movers. Whether you tip or not, whether you feed them breakfast and lunch or not, be helpful, approachable and courteous, and — at least — always have water on hand for them. They work hard, and they take care of your belongings.
  10. Make time for the “lasts.” You’re exhausted, stressed, probably sleeping on the floor or in a hotel room with your family. But the seemingly small things, like goodbye events for your kids, and last visits to your favorite people and places are worth the time.
  11. Say no when you want. As an exception to number ten, you are not obligated to make time during this major life transition for anyone you don’t want to — work, military or social connections. If it feels like it’s too much effort, take it off your plate. Sometimes a nice goodbye text suffices.
  12. Enjoy the ride. If you’re driving to your destination and you have time to spare, sprinkle in some fun. Find a few spots to stay overnight, see some sights, visit places you’ve never been. Travel is a big perk in this lifestyle. Don’t let the stress keep you from making the most of it!
  13. Get the cardboard out. Whether you have the movers unpack for you, or you’re a DIYer (like me), getting the cardboard out of the house as soon as possible is a real shot in the arm. The sooner it’s all out, the more the new place will start to feel like home.
  14. Set your own pace. Whether you take a month to unpack while venturing out to explore when you can or run a 72-hour unpacking marathon (like me) before you can even think about leaving the house, that’s your call. Find what works for you and helps you feel settled.
  15. Get your kids plugged in. Moving during the school year stinks, but so does moving during summer. It can be tough to make friends, so signing your kids up for camps, clubs or sports is a great way to help them make friends before the first day of school.
  16. Remember the move is hard on everyone. Emotions are running high. This is the time to be extra patient and help each other (including furry family members) form new routines. You’re in it together, even if you’re all facing different challenges. Be a source of support for your family and make sure they know you could use some too.
  17. Break from the norm. While you’re being patient with everyone, even yourself, moving is tough and uncomfortable. If you need to order takeout for two weeks before you can even think about meal planning and cooking, do that. If you fall off your exercise routine because you need to find a new gym or running route, that’s OK. Bedtimes will slide. You’ll probably be a little scatterbrained for a bit. Spending will be a little wonky with utility startups, deposits, takeout and that often large first grocery run. Planning for the added expense ahead of time helps offset this adjustment. Before you know it, your family will be running like a well-oiled machine again until it’s time to repeat the process!

Girl sits on a wood floor eating pizza while a dog sits a few feet away

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of moving resources and tools tailored to your needs.

Service member in uniform gently holds a baby against his chest; the baby rests peacefully on his shoulder

Explaining Deployment to Young Kids

Written By Sydney Smith

Deployment is what I might call the second “D word” unique to military families, and unfortunately, a word we must at some point speak to our children. If you are like me, you struggle with how to go about this subject with your own kids, or if you should address it at all. It seems easier to try and float around the word with them, especially when they are young. “Daddy is on a work trip” is what I most often find myself saying, leaving out the part about where he is going or how long he will be gone. I wrestle with this each time… whether honesty or comfort is most important for them. But then I wonder, is it really comforting to them when we shield them from the truth? Even if the intent was to protect, when their dad still isn’t home months later, doesn’t this create unrest for them in the too-soft expectations we set? I think the answer is: It depends on age and what they are developmentally ready for. Below, I will break up our personal approaches based on age range.

Toddlers: A “vaguely honest” approach is best. For instance, “Daddy is going on a long work trip to help other people.” We will then follow up shortly with a statement of reassurance to make them feel safe, such as “We will miss him lots, but he can still talk to us on the phone, and we can send him lots of pictures, and he will come back in a while.” For shorter separations (under a month), we like to make paper chains to count down days until Daddy is home, but I wouldn’t recommend this with longer separations because a six- or nine-month paper chain is going to take up your entire living room and be more depressing to look at than anything. (Also, who with toddlers has the time for that?!) A Daddy doll or a special recorded audio message of Daddy talking could be helpful in bringing them comfort as well.  At this age, they are out-of-sight-out-of-mind creatures, which makes them resilient, but these little physical reminders of Dad can keep the love and memories alive for them.

Young Children (Age 5-8): A “mostly honest but positive” approach is best. You might say something along the lines of “Daddy is going to another country to help the Army for a while. He will be gone for a long time but will be safe and loves you so much.” To keep things positive, you can immediately start brainstorming with them about ways to stay connected with their dad, such as writing letters, sending photos, making a list of fun things to do together to pass the time, and anything else you think they might enjoy — but let them feel sad, too. They are going to feel the weight of this more than their toddler siblings.

Older Children (9+): A “fully transparent and validating” approach is best. Explain what their dad is doing to the best of your ability and answer any questions they might have as best you can. Avoiding these questions can stir up anxiety and unrest for older children. You might tell them something like this: “Dad is being deployed overseas for a mission. It is part of his job to protect people and serve our country.  He’ll be gone for [insert exact number] months, but we will talk with him as much as we can.” It is important to not only answer any questions they have but also to validate any emotion they are feeling about it. To connect with them through this, you might ask if they’d like to help plan things like communication schedules, setting goals, making a countdown calendar with fun things to do in the waiting. You can also encourage self-reflective things like journaling or seeing a counselor to deal with any big emotions they might be feeling.

Be aware that whenever Dad does return, it can be traumatic, especially for toddlers and young children, to see him put on his uniform and drive away for the first time since coming home. We started using easy terms like “long work” and “short work” to create simple language for our toddlers to understand if Daddy would be home later that day or gone for days at a time.  Our five-year-old, still to this day, asks if Daddy is at “long or short work.”

While it can be helpful to take different approaches based on the ages of your children, it is more important that you take the approach you personally feel is best for your family and your unique children. There are certainly developmental differences between what toddlers, young children and older children can comprehend — but you as the parent know best. Above all the advice given up top: Listen to your gut and say only what you think your child will handle best.

The ‘D word’ isn’t something that even the most seasoned military spouse knows how to process at times, and so it only makes sense that we treat a child’s ears with even more caution and care.

Blog Brigade unites military spouses by creating a community built on shared experiences and mutual support. Navigating the complexities of military life can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Military OneSource offers valuable resources focused on well-being, readiness, and connection. Explore a range of deployment resources and tools tailored to your needs.

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